100 Police Fail to Find Guinea Pig!

Guinea Pig

Guinea Pig

A Chief Constable has been forced to defend himself after diverting over 100 officers and spending over £250,000 worth of resources in a hunt to track down thieves who apparently stole his daughter’s pet guinea pig. Wigwell Mason, the head of Rutland Constabulary, ordered his men on a fingertip search of woodland in the area around which the domesticated rodent, named Cheeseboard, went missing in the early hours of yesterday morning. In one instance armed officers, acting on an anonymous tip off, raided a pet shop in Uppingham in the belief the pet was being held there before shooting the sixty-nine year old shopkeeper in the face in accordance with the terrorism
act after he asked to see their warrant cards. Meanwhile officers on foot patrol were seen going door to door in villages and towns taking DNA tests, with anyone who refused having their names and details passed to the CIA and their national insurance number rescinded. Defending his actions, which some have called heavy handed, Mr Mason told The Haddock; “On my watch we take a zero tolerance approach to all crime. One minute these scum will be stealing guinea pigs, the next they will be strapping explosive backpacks to themselves and blowing themselves up at the royal wedding, showering Kate Middleton’s resplendent white dress with guts. The fact the guinea pig was later found behind the skirting board having gnawed its way through a hole in its cage is neither here nor there.â€