Oxford University was rocked to itâ€™s venerable foundations yesterday after a Haddock special investigation exposed some of itâ€™s most highly regarded professors as regularly getting involved in marathon orgies of low culture. During a six month long undercover sting our reporter infiltrated the hallowed halls of Britainâ€™s most prestigious educational institution where he discovered dons getting together to engage in shocking displays of mindless escapism including:
WATCHING the entire first season of Glee.
DISCUSSING the recent marriage breakdown of glamour model Katie Price and her cage fighter husband Alex Reid.
UPDATING their Facebook statuses to lament the elimination of the latest X-Factor contestant.
On one occasion, whilst posing as a market stall bookseller, our man was approached by an Emeritus Professor of Classical Languages who attempted to purchase a copy of Jedwardâ€™s latest autobiography. On another, we gained access to a Spotify account belonging to a Dean of Quantum Mathematics, only to discover the entire Justin Beiber back catalogue. When confronted with our findings the Vice Chancellor, Professor Quickstamp Braniac, defended his university, saying; â€œGreat minds often make their most significant breakthroughs whilst engaged in activities which, to the layman, may at first appear fairly trivial. Just as Isaac Newton discovered gravity by sitting under a tree and Alexander Fleming found the secret of penicillin whilst looking at some mouldy bread it may well be that Cheryl Coleâ€™s latest hairdo holds the secret of Anti-Matter, or perhaps something concealed within the pages of Heat contains the key to bringing back the dinosaurs.â€