Welcome. Welcome, welcome, welcome. Welcome? Welcome. Welcome, welcome welcome, welcome, welcome WELCOME! Welcome welcome, welcome, welcome…welcome. This is Haddock News. Welcome, to Haddock News. Now is as good a time as any to dig a hole in the sand for your head to be buried into; Haddock News is that hole, and the time for shoving is now.
The Haddock is an online comedy newspaper, bringing you quality satirical anarchy since 1894. Imagine if you performed the Stanford Prison Experiment at Arkham Asylum, except everyone was hopped up on goofballs and drunk on dessert wine. And everyone get’s a clipboard. I’m rather impressed with myself for coming up with that little bit there, as it’s actually a pretty dead-on description of Haddock HQ.
-First news organization to hire a flamingo to it’s editorial staff.
-First news organization to take a firm stance against charity of any kind.
-First news organization to grab Flea’s ass during a nude performance by the Red Hot Chili Peppers.
-First news organization to high-five Mikhail Gorbachev and not look at his ink blot.
-First news organization to offer freezer space to mothers who cannot afford daycare.
-One guy plays harmonica!
Look, we don’t know what you’ve come here expecting. We’re you looking for Billy Idol? He might be around somewhere. We’re you expecting Vishnu and Jesus Arm-wrestling over the last potato roll? Talk to the box office for ticket information. But if you were looking for an expert team of broadcasters reading the only news of matter or consequence throughout the whole of the internet…you’ve found the droids you’re looking for.
Which reminds me, we’ve got Motosung Galatica S5’s and ProtoTouch 8G Slide handsets being sold out of the trunk of our mate Lloyd if you’re interested. Brand new in box, good price, very good price. Smell of gasoline washes off with light rinse.