It’s that time again: a time to reflect on the events of the year and highlight the contributions of the epic visionaries of our time. We know the year isn’t over yet, but with corporate advertising being what it is we are sure no one will mind our eagerness amidst the usual off-season Easter reservations, early New Years resolutions and a certain cartoon mouse already displaying his holiday jingle-jangles.
We here at Haddock News we are not want to celebrate fame, notoriety, or humanitarian efforts. Instead we hail the Darwinian efforts of most the most ineffable examples of why we haven’t as of yet evolved as a species. The people who make it so very worth the effort to make fun of them, for it is they who put the “shit” in “sometimes we don’t have to make this shit up!”
So, without further ado, we present The 2013 Haddock Visionary Awards!
10 – Coming in at the bottom of our list is probably one of the best distractions the world’s media could have invented during war time: good old tongue-in-twerk Miley Cyrus. One brief lip synch segment has transformed her from adolescent America’s sweetheart to it’s favorite target for teen wanking. Some consider her a feminist icon. Some consider her a confused, talentless waste of skin. Most consider her an a meatless kebab skewer. We consider her a visionary.
9 – Close behind Miley is her dad Billy Ray Cyrus, who publicly blames director David Lynch, Disney, and Satan for his family’s downfall and not his negligible parenting skills. And though he might have waxed poetic about the ruin of his progeny years ago, the glorious burn-out of the Cyrus clan just keeps on keepin’ on, and for that we thank Billy sincerely. A hero, not just to us here at The Haddock, but to fathers everywhere.
8 – Toronto, je t’aime. God bless you Canadians for being genuinely kind people, and allowing your most populous city to be run by a certified lunatic. We are of course referring to the crack smokin’, pussy eatin’, drunk stuporin’ marvel known as Mayor Rob Ford. The Haddock editing staff have been big fans of Mr. Ford for a long time now, and damn if he doesn’t continue to govern according to his core principles: get high, go crazy.
7 – Vladimir “back in the closet” Putin has made his mark on history this year by being a dick across the board to protesters, the UN, orphans and gay people. He also continues to kill wild animals and gallivant shirtless in from of the press. Haddock Sports correspondents will be glued to the men’s figure skating events in Sochi this year to watch them butch it up.
6 – Pornography is generally defined as “anything thing that causes sexual thought without any artistic merit.” We can now lump televised trials in with that definition thanks to Jody Arias and her extensive accounts of the sexual debasement which took place before she decided to murder her boyfriend. The home office ran out of lotion on the 3rd day on this one.
5 – Kim Jong Un: role model to the deranged, he takes daddy issues to the Nth level. Surrounding himself with the most degenerate celebrities the world has to offer, we are fairly sure that the only reason he hasn’t fired the missiles yet is because he fears Team America. Remember to save all that North Korean porn; it could get you fucking murdered.
4 – The guy who got ate up by a bear even after that documentary about the idiot who got ate up by a bear. Nuff said. Apparently this incident happened in 2012, but since everyone involved is dead we’re pretty sure they won’t mind the posthumous honor.
3 – The US Congress: never has there been a finer group of barnyard animals put into a position of great coercive power. Both sides continue to pretend to be different while secretly fellating each other, all as America remains hostage to the interests of multinational corporations. Bravo Congress. Marilyn Chambers has nothing on you.
2 – Vying for the #1 spot is Valerie Laura Black, the elementary school principal who suspended a student for pretending. What a brilliant visionary she is. Seriously, who wants children with creativity in their minds? Who wants kids who can think for themselves? Not us, and not Ms. Black. You go girl!
1 – But of course, none of the aforementioned people could be the winners of the 2013 Haddock Visionary Award: You! All the followers, likers and sharers of The Haddock. Your support of the fish is the best part of waking up for us. You are the true heroes.
Thanks for another great year of bullshit from all of us at HaddockNews.com!