Tragedy in the county of Gloucestershire, as record numbers of people choose to take down their own social life in angry response to Farmer’s missing turnips.
The Haddock has received word from a number of distressed Shire folk that their peers are taking their social lives on a whim as part of some form of mass cult. This mass Facebook suicide is believed to be in response to escalating social tensions on Facebook, mainly concerning the group ‘Who Stole Farmer Slinger’s Turnips?’
The Facebook group was set up by local activists to help assist police with the missing turnip case. The turnips went missing at 4 PM on New Years Day whilst Farmer Slinger used Facebook to see the relationship status of Roweena Windbottom, the Inn Keeper and local maltster’s daughter. A week passed with no clues, until a poison pen letter was left at Slinger Farm along with a crate of Mangolds. The poison pen letter claimed the Mangolds were to replace the turnips as the yield was far greater. However, this led to a dispute amongst villagers as many claimed the so called ‘turnip cat-burglar’ was in fact trying to help the Slingers in their quest for ample crop yield. This was further unjustified when it was revealed there had been no reports of feline theft for four months.
It soon transpired that Farmer Slinger had been ‘poking’ Miss Windbottom on Facebook despite a 57 year age gap. These circumstances combined led to relations turning sour between Farmer Slinger and the county folk of Gloucestershire. Many felt for poor old Mrs. Slinger, who’d been unable to provide the family a farming son. A local source close to the Slingers said: “Old Mrs Slinger ant never ‘ad no chance. It be ‘er own fault mind. She ant popped out no farmin’ boys. Only that there high-flyin’ yuppy lawyer daughter who abandoned her cow milkin’ for that London. Why would she want to leave for the Bar? I mean, that be just plain silly look. She don’t even know what kind of bar it be. It could be a choclut bar for all she knows. Serves ‘er right for being little Miss Clever Cloggs. As for that Windbottom gurl, well she does pull a good pint-o-cider. I reckons Old Man Slinger and his bit-o-crumpet would be better off out of it and stay in that London. Dunno who’d takeover the milk churnin’ mind.”
With Farmer Slinger coming under increasing scrutiny he distanced himself from the ‘Who Stole Farmer Slinger’s Turnips?’ Facebook group. Local activists in support of Farmer Slinger were then dismayed to discover after one last poke, Farmer Slinger had in fact, committed Facebook suicide. The county folk of Gloucestershire felt this would be the sad end to the sad tale they’d been waiting for. However, after receiving a number of anonymous messages regarding the size of the head on a pint of real ale, Miss Winterbottom also took the drastic step of Facebook suicide.
Being a youngster and daughter of local maltster and Inn keeper, naturally the county was devestated to see such a fine piece of Facebook talent wasted. As a result of the outrage, it soon emerged Miss Windbottom had not only been Facebook poking Farmer Slinger, but also the entire first XV of the local rugby club. Her tragic Facebook suicide became more understandable for the innocent Shire folk, but it could never prepare them for the subsequent deluge of Facebook suicides.
Following on from Miss Windbottom’s demise, a new Facebook group was started by survivors of the rugby club Facebook suicide called: ‘Roweena Windbottom – gone but not forgotton’ (RWGBNF). News travels slowly in Gloucestershire, and by the time news of the Slinger affair reached the darkest regions of the county (the Forest of Dean), the RWGBNF group had achieved cult status. In honour of their muse, Miss Winterbottom, the group decided to stage a mass Facebook suicide last Sunday. In total 564 people from the county of Gloucestershire, ranging in age from 18-82, took their social lives simultaneously at 11AM. Police are worried that although the original cult are no longer with us in cyberspace, their pertinent message lives on, with fears the cult principals could reach That London within two weeks.
The Haddock offers condolences to all who have suffered in the recent Facebook suicides. Hopefully the situation should not escalate, however if you feel you need to talk to someone about any of the issues in todays article, please do not hesitate to contact ‘Aunty Haddock’.