Aaron Hernandez hires Shyne to do murder bid

Besides being a relatively decent football player, Aaron Hernandez is apparently gangsta as shit. This is evidenced by the fact that he’s now possibly killed two people, and then a third to cover up for the first two. He also killed a turkey once just to do it. Wasn’t even planning on eating it.

Dream team.

Dream team.

Reports indicate that these murders have upset some people. Hernandez is looking at some serious time. Luckily, he’s used his ridiculous fortune to call in the world’s greatest time doer: Former Bad Boy artist Shyne.

Yes Shyne, the rapper who was hard as fuck in his rhymes and lived that shit as well. Did you know he did 15 years for importing dangerous foreign animals into the country? He also did 5 years for defamation of character, and another 10 years for armed bribery of a public drinking fountain. Shyne is like 65 years old.

Lil Kim wasn’t asked for a comment on the case, but we feel like she should have been.

The New England Patriots may block Aaron Hernandez’s deal however, as they actively seek to recall large amounts of his earnings. Or they might trade the option for a third round draft pick swap with the Minnesota Vikings.

Bennet Vindushali

Bennet Vindushali

If you're reading this, I'm probably dancing in an American flag thong. Or, I'm reporting vital information in an American flag thong. - Author's Full Bio

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