al-Assad Vows: “Violence Will Stop When Mime Work Improves”

Bashar al-Assad (Stock photo - AP, 1961) -- Bashar al-Assad as a member of Syria's first pantomime troup, performing in Lebanon on 1961's "Bring the Mountain to Mohammad and Send in the Mimes!" tour.

Syrian President Bashar al-Assad took to the balcony of the royal palace this afternoon to announce that the country’s turmoil would be a thing of the past if every citizen would “redouble their efforts in the presentation of effective and believable pantomime.” al-Assad, a co-founder of Syria’s “Mesri al-Alma La Fou” theater troop before seizing power in 1945, maintains a hardline stance against what he considers to be shoddy mime work. Under his rule, inadequate pantomime performance is considered an act of domestic terrorism, and as such, is often cited as a primary contributing factor in the country’s ongoing conflict.

“You must pull the rope! You must peel the banana!” al-Assad shouted from the palace ledge during his twenty-minute address. “It is not enough to be trapped in the glass box! It must be so crystal clear, what it is that you are doing as a mime, I should want to throw a stone through the glass! Which I will do, either way pretty much. I’m going to stone you all, is what I’m saying basically.”

United Nations special envoy Kofi Annan worries about his organization’s effectiveness in administering assistance to Syria under such government rigidity. According to Annan, “The UN is not equipped to render such widespread pantomime relief. The security council could not have predicted the resurgence of marshal miming law, an issue which was thought to be obsolete.” The United Nations has not administered pantomime relief since the Catskills Occupation of the 1930’s.

International support for Syria’s civilian population is growing, but tangible assistance has been slow to arrive in the region. However, according to US Secretary of State Hilary Clinton, multilateral efforts to supply Syrians with the tools for effective mime work are coming together. “In cooperation with our NATO allies, over 200,000 berets and black-and-white striped shirts are on their way to the nation’s capital, along with 340 lbs (230 kgs) of greasepaint and several Marcel Marceau biographies which have been translated into German. And then into Arabic.”

al-Assad ended his address with the following sentiments: “I don’t want to fight, but I will fight for what it is that I believe in. I believe in my country! I believe in Syria! I believe that children are the future! Teach them well and let them pantomime, or I’ll stop being so discriminate with the Kalashnikovs!”

Peace negotiations resume this coming Tuesday, and should fail by the following Friday.