America’s Last Line of Defence!

Eyebrows have been raised in the Pentagon following the decision of the Obama administration to place the security of the entire American nation in the hands of one man. Hardass Rambonegger, 38, a former US Marine recently jailed in a high security military prison for a crime he did not commit, will be formerly invested as the United States’ ‘last line of defence’ in a ceremony at the White House Rose Garden tomorrow. Explaining his decision at a press conference yesterday President Barack Obama told reporters; “It is time we stopped risking the lives of thousands of our soldiers by sending them to warzones and on covert special missions. From now on Mr Rambonegger will take care of everything, from thwarting the plans of rogue Soviet agents intent on starting World War III to beating the crap out of our rivals in politically symbolic boxing matches. This guy is going to be a one man army which from now on renders our real army obsolete. In fact, were we even to deploy any of our armed forces in a combat situation I have no doubt their only function would be to get themselves blown up and killed in an increasingly imaginative and blood-soaked manner until we were forced to call on Mr Rambonegger’s services anyway out of sheer desperation. When asked to comment on his new found responsibilities Mr Rambonegger proceeded to snarl, grunt and flex his massive biceps.