Announcing! Tattoo Donor Cards

Tattoo Donor Card

Tattoo Donor Card

Ever fancied having a tatoo but you just can’t face four hours with a biker hunched over you drilling holes in your back?

Or perhaps you’ve got a drawing of a vagina on your pelvis that you just can’t wait to have hacked off!

Well, then a Tattoo Donor Card could be the answer to your prayers.

Bill Hayden, a morbidly obese man from Southend near London found it hard to get work because of his size.

He tried to lose weight, even reverting to a stomach stapling operation which had a dramatic effect however he was left with a lot of unsightly excess skin.

And that’s when the idea for ‘Fat Tatt’ popped into his head.

Fatt Tatt is a service whereby fat people will undergo the pain of having the tatoo of your choice, then you can have it surgically grafted onto the appropriate body part and wake up ‘inked’.

Although the recovery can be painful, it’s not as painful as sitting in a tatoo parlour, listening to grunge and holding your nose.

‘Fatt Tatt’ issue special ‘Tattoo Donor Cards’ to anyone who’d like to donate their tattoos to some chicken shit little graduate too scared to face the needle of honour.

Bill has already employed ten Fat Tatt surrogates who are busy selling off their skin to the new hosts.

He also uses existing Tattooed people who have decided they look fucking stupid and would rather be covered in hideous red scars than dragons and skulls.

But it doesn’t stop there … Bill is just about to launch ‘Tatt Out’ in conjuction with undertakers and a local morgue who are willing, with the concent of the deceased or their next of kin, to hack the pictures of a dead body and stick them on a loved one or friend as a way of easing their loss.

If you know of a dead person with unwanted tatoos that you’d like to sell, please contact The Haddock and we’ll pass on your details.

In the coming months it will also be possible to obtain a posthumous Tattoo Donor Card, thus eliminating the considerable red tape involved in selling human body parts.