The Antarcticans announced this morning that as of 12pm they will be at war with the
North Pole and, more specifically, the Inuits (as they are the only Articans)!
A fleet of some six boats, a few inflatables and an enormous (no, not enormous enough) catapult has amassed on the North coast (yes…that could be anywhere!).
They also have an army of junkie naturalists, illegal oil prospectors, lost tourists and a man who never made it home from the 1974 round the world yacht race.
They’ve trained the seals to do stuff too…mainly jumping through hoops and clapping but they have other secret skills we’re told.
The plan is to sneak across (the entire planet) steal some stuff, kill some people, burn something, kick a seal or two and then sneak back before dawn!
Spring is a particularly cunning time to invade The North pole as warm weather is worrying for anyone who makes their home on a piece of ice.
It’s doubly cunning of them too as the South Pole is twice the size in winter meaning that they’ve got less distance to travel for their invasion!
“We’ve had enough of them, it’s time to sort this out once and for all!” Said Paul Bates, the new president of the Antarcticans (He is actually a gap year student from Hull writing a thesis on penguin testicles).
This morning he delivered a rousing speech to some 80,000 penguins who, in all likelihood, had absolutely no idea what he was on about.
“How dare they have their own flag!” He bellowed! (in fact they don’t actually have a flag, but they do have have many flags belonging to adventurers and scientists who spend their time in such places to get away from their damaged personal lives. Some of the flags have sunk though due to global warming).
“They’re not even a country! They’re just a lump of ice!” He’s got a point there!
Part of the Antartican President’s manifesto is to steal polar bears and bring them back to the South Pole.
It is hoped that this would encourage film makers to come to Antartica and spend their dollars whilst filming the ensuing penguin massacare!
There’s no denying that unbalanced man-made ecological disasters do make compelling TV, but can this behavior really be sanctioned?
Well, the answer is a resounding “No!” from the Inuits who have a deep mistrust of the Antarticans.
“Penguins, what the fuck is that all about? A bird that can’t fly? What’s next, a fish that can’t swim?” Said one Inuit spokesperson (in fairness we did get him really drunk first).
“What do you mean we’re not a country? Have you seen how many frikking flags we’ve got?” He added before falling face down into his bowl of blubber.
The Inuits are ready for them, they’ve worked out that snow shoes double up as tennis racquets and whale blubber is a passable substitute for napalm!
They’re planning to burn the invasion fleet with napalm tennis balls before it can make land (for land read ice).
If you didn’t realise how much the populations of the two poles hate each other, you do now!
Stay tuned as we follow the progress of the invasion fleet as it head’s North!