Queen Haters ‘Republic’ have taken a leaf out of her Majesty’s book (namely celebrating your Jubilee 1 year early) by announcing a pageant in honour of their 30th anniversary as the UK’s most rubbish protest group.
Formed in 1983 the group don’t like kings, queens, princes, princesses or anyone who isn’t a socialist zealot.
This may be because the monarchy has a luxury lifestyle without having to canvas door to door like boring, farting ex-lawyers and power hungry civil servants who are desperate to become MP’s and then go on to fuck up society with their irreparable schemes and then retire blameless and unpunished.
They hate the fact that The Queen and her family get to shop at Fortnum and Mason, shoot stuff, have lots of paintings, clean their genitals every morning with Dom Perignon and fly around in helicopters.
In their view that level of power should require ten years of selling The Socialist Worker outside university unions and unloading both barrels of repressed sexual angst and intellectually failed bitterness at everyone who isn’t a Marxist.
Hot from their ‘100 shouting people in raincoats vs 4 million cheering flag wavers’ protest opposite Traitor’s Gate on the banks of the Thames last Sunday it seemed like the appropriate moment to celebrate.
All this amidst a cauldron of rampant horn for the Royal Family so potent you could catch a whiff of red white and blue semen were you to sit upon the surface of Venus as she drifts majestically past the sun tomorrow morning.
You may or, more likely not, be aware that plans for the ‘Republic’ pageant have been underway for the last two years.
A run down of the celebrations, events and pageantry is as follows:
1) Next Saturday a rib will speed down the Thames pulling behind it a pumped up tractor tyre into which a polystyrene replica of Karl Marx’s tomb has been duck taped.
2) On the Sunday evening a public concert will be held on New Cross railway station consisting of Bob Dylan and post Beatles Lennon songs performed back to back by someone’s mate who is actually a royalist but will help out any loser for a bit of extra cash.
3) On the Monday, which is not a bank holiday, a procession will be held through the centre of London but since they’re terrified of getting their heads kicked in the members will wear ordinary clothes, shout nothing and walk in groups of no more than three.
The police were notified but had better things to do.
There won’t be any flags to wave because the UK is not a republic.
There will be no anthem because God is a non-elected deity so he is not authorised in their view to save anyone.
In all likelihood nobody will turn up because we’re all a bit pooped after this weekend’s Jubilee fun.
The Haddock of course remains completely neutral and impartial in these matters.