Since the death of Apple’s visionary leader (now “spirit animal”) Steve Jobs, the world has watched intently, wondering if the company’s new minds could equal such levels of innovation. The answer to that question has arrived.
Last Monday, Apple announced the iPad Frisbee: the world’s first aerodynamic smart tablet phone scanner printer fax machine floppy Betamax. It also has a flight-ready abacus attachment.
In the words of CEO Tim Cook: “At Apple, our mission statement has never changed: make a good, solid product, then remake it, then add a turkey in there, and teach it how to read Braille. Add a quarter cup of biochemistry, and a sock drawer of serendipity, and then, make it lighter. That being said, I couldn’t be prouder to introduce the iPad Frisbee!”
He then threw the iDiscus into the crowd, where an uncoordinated journalist dove for it and crashed herself into an innocent bystander’s protruding bosom. Then somebody threw a pie, and it was a big mess after that, but in a fun Marx Brothers type of way. Being a member of the press is fun occasionally.
After the dust settled, an unscathed Cook returned to the podium to explain the iPad Frisbee’s new functions. The explanation lasted about fifteen seconds, as the only new feature is the ability to fly short distances after being thrown.
“The most exciting feature about the iPad Frisbee is the circular body shape, and its ability to glide through the air at short-to-medium distances when tossed,” Cook enthusiastically shouted. “Also, it’s got more pixels!”
He then began launching dozens of iPad Frisbees into the crowd, where dozens of uncoordinated journalists dove for them, all of which ended up landing in the bosoms of others.
Like most Apple products over the last 2 years, the iPad Frisbee does absolutely nothing to advance technology in any significant way. In fact, had Samsung not ventured into the world of two-way wrist communicators, we might not ever have been subjected to iDisc Golfing.
But alas, there are still five people on this planet with disposable income and damn it, they want new and exciting things with touch screens.
For more on this pro-tech-tile non-achievement, click here.