As most home buyers know, the stress of mortgages often drive people to drink, join street gangs, and practice the occult. But are mortgages also turning your pancreas into a beachball? Probably not, but don’t tell that to the newly released reports that say they are!
“The pancreas is a dual-functioning gland, servicing the needs of both the endocrine and exocrine systems,” explains a doctor with a soul patch that detracts from his credibility.
The doctor steps out for about twenty minutes, returns wearing kimono, and continues: “When mortgage rates rise, the organ inexplicably stops servicing the exocrine system. Excessively high mortgage rates can cause the pancreas to swell to the size of an eggplant, but will not taste as good as an eggplant – because those are delicious, and human parts are not. Then your kidneys start malfunctioning, and your eyes begin rejecting the color orange. Soon your appreciation for Bollywood films ceases altogether and you cannot stop putting on your pants backwards. You don’t end up dying…but you never really live again either.”
Certainly disturbing news for future home owners. What a cunt that doctor is.