Should we put up the price of Booze, or is there another answer?
A Sevenoaks University think-tank have come up with a novel solution to the issue of unsociable behavior as a result of alcohol abuse. The government have suggested putting a minimum price on booze, but this is likely to effect clever people as well as thugs, and that’s not fair. Clever people should be celebrated, not penalised.
Brian Wolftrousers of Sevenoaks University explains further …”Thick angry people are the problem!” he told The Haddock. “Thick angry people do not know what they’re doing because of their idiotic rage and that can be quite offensive … so they should not be allowed to drink. Drink is known to exacerbate the effects of stupidity making them Super or even Ultra-thick. There is no place for the Ultra-thick in today’s society!” his team concluded.
As a result of the research, those wishing to buy alcohol in pubs, off licences and supermarkets will be asked a series of probing questions in order to determine whether or not they are indeed too thick to drink booze. The Haddock was given a sneak preview of the questionnaire, here are some examples of the questions they were asked:
1) Do you like to fight when you’re drunk?
2) Is swearing at the police a good idea?
3) Can you read this or would you like someone to draw you a picture?
There are also questions to determine how angry the individual is.
1) Am I annoying you?
2) What are you looking at?
3) Are you being funny?
Researches hope that trials of the AIT (Angry Idiot Test) will lead to a nationwide trend which will ultimately bring the current wave of unsociable behavior to a close. However, some doubt was cast upon the quality of the research when four members of Dr Wolftrouser’s team failed to answer any of the questions correctly. He himself did not even sit the exam having later been found wandering the streets of Sevenoaks in a drunken stupor.