US Major General Michael Carey went to Russia, got hammered, bothered everyone, and attempted to stuff his balls into an oboe. For all intents and purposes, a stellar representation of America’s foreign policy.
Carey’s dignified position would soon be jeopardized however, due to a faux pas that, under certain interpretations of the Constitution, is tantamount to treason.
Indeed, in an intense state of week-long inebriation, Major Carey offered a sub-par fist-bump to a member of Russian parliament. Caught off-guard by its sloppiness, the Russian official offered a high-five palm in return, and a rather awkward series of hand motions ensued.
The White House is not pleased.
“As far as I’m concerned, it was the fist-bump heard ’round the world,” explained president Obama during his year-end press conference. He then went into detail about the time he screwed a duck.
Though relieved of his position in Russian prostitute quality control, General Carey will continue to serve his country in the field of space exploration. He hopes to be an obnoxious dickhole to aliens within the next decade.
For more brilliant diplomacy, click here.