Arsene Wenger: “Haircare takes precedence over acquiring star players”

wengerArsenal FC’s manager Arsene Wenger has a number of problems that extend far past the loving bad bitches. One of them is his decision to forgo recruiting star players in favor of expanding the team’s haircare and styling faculties.

Also he has been photographed dangling carrots in front of Yohan Cabaye’s face, but seems consensual and mutually enjoyed; Alan Pardew is the only person who seems overly concerned.

When pressed about favoring the presentation of his players’ luscious locks rather than getting worthwhile athletes onto the pitch, Mr. Wenger offered a mouthful of “fuck you” for anyone with concerns:

There’s nothing to explain. You don’t know what we have done regarding our advances in hair curling innovation. You don’t know if we developed new and unique curling strategies, and as such, you have come to a conclusion without knowing everything that has happened. It is quite amazing that all of the people don’t know and yet they always have opinions about curling a man’s hair!

I’m not here to explain how hair curling works to you. It is not down to me to explain to you everything I do. It is impossible.

When I decide, as a team, that having better performers on the team is important, then it becomes important. But when I see properly shampooed and conditioned hair as a cause for immediate attention, refer to this this team as Vidal Sassoon FC.

The entire team looks like poodles now.

Bennet Vindushali

Bennet Vindushali

If you're reading this, I'm probably dancing in an American flag thong. Or, I'm reporting vital information in an American flag thong. - Author's Full Bio

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