Although nobody has yet managed to make jewelry from it, Artisan Bread (Burnt, mis-shapen, gravel-filled brown stuff made by Guardian-Reading ex-city bankers with enough spare cash to run loss-making a half-assed deli in the home counties under the guise of ‘real food’) is now more expensive than gold.
A loaf of this stuff, which is impossible to cut in to slices and leaves your soup full of small black objects that resemble rat shit, will set you back about £10,000 and considering it weighs about 300 times less than Gold that’s down right appalling!
Artisan bread is made using flower, yeast, water, lots of hippy nuts and things that shouldn’t be in bread and an oven which would benefit from a good clean!
So why is it so expensive?
Are you ten thousand times more likely to have sex if you eat it?
Can it make you fly?
Does it last for a million years without tarnishing?
We’re not sure but it’s unlikely.
The answer is, it’s expensive because people believe it is better for you, the environment and pandas and that’s all bollocks!
It makes you fart as though there is a trombone full of silage jammed inside your colon!
It turns your turds into bullets that can smash porcelain, shred sewers and turn fish into Swiss Cheese!
So many crumbs are released when you cut into the bloody thing that only about two thirds of it will actually make it to the table and unless your butter is actually a liquid, you’ll tear it to pieces when you try to spread some on it.
And it sometimes has paper stuck to it that won’t come off!
* The Haddock management would like to stress that this article was not brought to you by the makers of white sliced bread!