It is common knowledge that the Atlantic Ocean is the saltiest in the world. This Friday, the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) announced that, to make the ocean “safer for both wildlife and humans,” the Atlantic must reduce its sodium content from 3.3% to 2.4% over the next five years.
“As the Atlantic is the biggest offender in the war against salt, it was only natural that it would be the first target on our list,” claims a senior EPA ecologist. “We realize that the Atlantic faces many issues: oil pollution, trash build-up, pelicans…however it is our sincere belief that salinity is the first problem the Atlantic must address. We’ve come to this conclusion mainly because it was our committee’s decision.”
Though the reduction was applauded by public safety advocates, residents of the Atlantic ocean are not pleased. This includes coral reefs, fish, and a dude on a houseboat. The Middle Oceanic Fraternal Order of Seahorses and Related Species (or MOFOS, as it is more commonly known) is an opposition group which has been vocal about what they see as an encroachment of their basic rights as oceanic inhabitants. “This aggression will not stand!” shouts their spokesperson, the dude on the houseboat.
In a letter published by The Atlantic (no relation), the Atlantic Ocean defended itself in its own words:
“I feel that I’m being very unfairly targeted by the EPA’s mandate. The Pacific Ocean is nearly double my size, and the Dead Sea is nearly twice as salty, and yet I’m taking all the guff. Is it merely a convenient coincidence that both The Dead Sea and the Pacific Ocean are major contributors to the campaigns of several top-level appointees in the EPA? You be the judge!”
When asked for comment, New York City major Michael Bloomberg said “now why didn’t I think of that!”