Building firms are the barometer of any recession, and often when fat bankers start selling goats wrapped up in brown paper and call them financial products, it’s the building firms that will be the first to go.
The problem is that building is a long-term bet, in order to make a return from your project you need it to come to fruition and someone to buy it and if this doesn’t happen fast enough…well you’re buggered!
Materials are expensive, and things go wrong… bricks in particular are costly, so what is to be done?
“We didn’t want to do it, we had no choice.” Said Gavin, a brickie who would like to remain anonymous. “Builders have been doing it for years when things get tight…so long as you paint over it, nobody notices!”
What Gavin is talking about is using jelly instead of bricks!
Jelly is cheaper than bricks and so many builders have been turning to the delicious, wobbly, teatime favourite to help them balance the books.
We asked a group of labourers what flavour jelly they prefer and Orange, the agreed, was the most common variety employed. .
“If you mix it with a bit of raspberry it looks just like a brick!” said one man. The fact that it is shiny and transparent somehow eluding him.
The Haddock can exclusively reveal that this is just the tip of the iceberg.
We put it to the group that cement is also expensive, what do they do about that?
“Porridge!” they all agreed.
Yes folks, as many as half the new buildings in the UK are, to a greater or lesser degree, built from jelly and porridge.
We also discovered that the windows are often made from cling-film, the doors from bread and roof tiles are made from the same mixture of husks and malt normally found in pony nuts.
This situation is grave and things are set to get worse. We asked a leading building firm what they would do if they were forced to tighten their belts any more.
“We draw them!” said the CEO. “From a distance you can hardly tell the difference!”