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Bennet Vindushali
Stories written by Bennet
If you're reading this, I'm probably dancing in an American flag thong. Or, I'm reporting vital information in an American flag thong. - Author's Full Bio
Bubonic Plague claims 37 during Black Friday Sale in Pittsburgh

Though the Bubonic Plague has been ravaging parts of Madagascar, guess who doesn’t give a shit? You! Why? BECAUSE IT’S BLACK FRIDAY!! BLACK MOTHERFUCKIN’ FRIDAY AAAHHHHH!!! Buy a TV! Buy a toaster! Buy a six toasters! Buy some semblance of a life worth living! Buy VIP living quarters in the FEMA camps while a secret […]

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Child bearing has a Diversity Problem

Babies. Nobody likes them, but they’re necessary. Though we’ve conquered many of our natural instincts, propagating our horrible species persists, and as such, people continue to pump out smaller people with tiny fingers and toes that don’t know how to talk and smell funny. But in this day and age, where equality is important for […]

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God takes away Scott Stapp’s money because Creed sucks ass

In a beautiful display of divine retribution, the good lord has taken away every penny from Creed frontman Scott Stapp. The singer’s band had several chart-topping hits, but apparently god was not a fan, and like the sneaky bastard he is, waited almost ten years before recouping Stapp’s personal savings. “I know a lot of […]

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Jurassic Park Franchise brought to life using fossilised Spielberg DNA!

Live and let Dino! Yes Jurassic World hits cinema screens this week by a miracle of modern science. The franchise, thought to have become extinct, was reanimated last year using blood from a mosquito which, having bitten movie mogul Steven Spielberg, then unwittingly flew into some tree sap and was preserved in amber. The DNA […]

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Kim Kardashian ‘Broke’ the Wank Bank!

The Interwet! The universal wank bank or ‘Interwet’ closed its doors to new fantasies last week for two days following the publication of Kim Kardashian’s nude photos. Several large organisations also closed due to freak masturbation evacuation events during which thousands of men and women sneakily got up their desks and headed to the bathrooms […]

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WWE Repossesses Kamala’s legs

Former professional wrestler Kamala has fallen on hard times as of the last 20 years. This is mainly due to the fact that he is a kind, well-meaning person, or as they are known in the wrestling world, “Vince McMahon Crudités.” Kamala has wrestled some of the most well-known and highest-paid performers in the industry. […]

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Are we doing enough for our Anacondas?

On August 7th, 1992 Sir Mix-A-Lot delivered his monumental “Baby Got Back” address to the European Union. Like the Churchills and Mandelas before him, Mix-A-Lot’s speech was pointed with lines of great impact. Speaking on behalf of his reptilian constituency, Mix-A-Lot proclaimed in a mighty roar: “My anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, […]

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Leave your Newlywed German Bride at the gas station

Every one of my four divorces happened for the exact same reason: marriage is fucking stupid. You go into it thinking that it’s going to be one thing, and then it ends up being a fight to the death at a couple’s pottery class. High-quality sex professionals are the best way to free yourself from […]

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Mexico becomes world’s largest exporter of Teenage Assassins

Teenage Wasteland! In Mexico, where death is common, it is fairly regular to see young people with fully automatic weapons killing at the hands of druglords. But is it right to ship these still-developing kill machines to other countries? The answer may not be yes, but fuck if that isn’t what’s happening anyway. What all […]

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UK Pop Stars discover battle rap

James Arthur: Serious Rapper, mate. England is a place known for many things: Buckingham palace, pasty, television, and greyness are just a few. But to thousands of hip-hop loving basement-dwellers, it is also known for its long history of high-quality battle rap circuits, the largest and longest-running organization being Don’t Flop. Recently, a rapper from […]

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