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Bennet Vindushali
Stories written by Bennet
If you're reading this, I'm probably dancing in an American flag thong. Or, I'm reporting vital information in an American flag thong. - Author's Full Bio
Leave your Newlywed German Bride at the gas station

Every one of my four divorces happened for the exact same reason: marriage is fucking stupid. You go into it thinking that it’s going to be one thing, and then it ends up being a fight to the death at a couple’s pottery class. High-quality sex professionals are the best way to free yourself from […]

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Mexico becomes world’s largest exporter of Teenage Assassins

Teenage Wasteland! In Mexico, where death is common, it is fairly regular to see young people with fully automatic weapons killing at the hands of druglords. But is it right to ship these still-developing kill machines to other countries? The answer may not be yes, but fuck if that isn’t what’s happening anyway. What all […]

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UK Pop Stars discover battle rap

James Arthur: Serious Rapper, mate. England is a place known for many things: Buckingham palace, pasty, television, and greyness are just a few. But to thousands of hip-hop loving basement-dwellers, it is also known for its long history of high-quality battle rap circuits, the largest and longest-running organization being Don’t Flop. Recently, a rapper from […]

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Miley Cyrus fans ‘Do not’ want to have sex with her!

20 year old Miley Cyrus is not attractive and people only like her because she’s a huge feminist and her songs are great (according to one highly dubious source) Cyrus, who’s albums went to number 1 in the UK and US has suggested that walking around with a spliff in her hand and nothing more […]

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Canadian Border Control will not let Dave Mustaine’s hair exit the country

First kicked out of Metallica, now this?! Megadeth front man Dave Mustaine is in a custody battle over the rockin’-ass fuck-you locks that grow freely from his brilliant skull. He’s at the Canadian border. Things are sucking in general right now. “Mr. Mustang is not under arrest or being detained specifically, but his hair is […]

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Pregnant Baseball players must give birth On-field

Take Me Out At The Ballgame! Last Monday, Major League Baseball player Daniel Murphy of the New York Mets went into labor and gave birth to his first child. Naturally, once Murphy’s water broke, he was immediately rushed to the nearest hospital and placed on automatic paternity leave. This led to some critics voicing disagreement […]

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Grilled Cheese Sandwich to run for Mayor of Austin, Texas

Hot off the Panini Press! With the Supreme Court’s recent ruling that all people have the right to spend an unlimited amount of money on political campaign contributions, one man has ceased the opportunity to enact legitimate change in his community. That man is Gerald Kindler: a multimillionaire, and newly appointed Chief of Staff for […]

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Kansas doctor looks to the bright side of Gunshot wounds

“Not all gunshot injuries are fatal. In fact, sometimes they’re down-right hilarious!” This is the position of Dr. Milton Wolf, a Kansas radiologist who is known as “the Patch Adams of firearm trauma.” Dr. Wolf is known for his playful approach to treating patients with bullet holes in them. “For instance, where you see an […]

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Angry Birds begin bombardment of NSA HQ

Enough is enough, the Angry Birds have taken the fight back to the NSA. News that the NSA have been hacking into the program and collecting the personal data of various birds and gamers proved too much for the wingless Finnish stars. The NSA team was believed to be searching for information pertaining to a […]

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Legalising Marijuana is Nacho Genocide!

Nachos and other snacks protest about Marijuana legalisation! Nachos, the favoured snack of anyone who is smoking pot, consider themselves to be the victims in this story. Thousands of the innocent little triangular crisps are expected to have their lives foreshortened by plans to make the drug legal. “We feel that our members have been […]

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