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Bennet Vindushali
Stories written by Bennet
If you're reading this, I'm probably dancing in an American flag thong. Or, I'm reporting vital information in an American flag thong. - Author's Full Bio
Man stalked by sentient gym equipment

Todd Coefeld is a reasonably in-shape man; not a body builder or triathlete, but he can see his toes and pull a broad under the right circumstances. Enjoys a jog, handy with a lawnmower. This is why it is so curious that Mr. Coefeld seems to be the victim of an aggravated stalking campaign. By […]

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Arsene Wenger: “Haircare takes precedence over acquiring star players”

Arsenal FC’s manager Arsene Wenger has a number of problems that extend far past the loving bad bitches. One of them is his decision to forgo recruiting star players in favor of expanding the team’s haircare and styling faculties. Also he has been photographed dangling carrots in front of Yohan Cabaye’s face, but seems consensual […]

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Danny Nightingale to Confabulate his way through rest of life

A confabulating crufuffle! Former SAS sniper and bad-ass name-haver Danny Nightingale was convicted of taking a gun and lots of ammunition to his suburban home. To our American readers: yes, in England that’s against the law! To be fair, it was a work gun, so technically it’s stolen property, even if you’re just using it […]

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Anthony Weiner’s penis to run for City council

With all the expose it’s been getting and it’s owner’s poll numbers dwindling, disgraced numbskull politician Anthony Weiner’s penis has announced its intentions to seek a position on the New York City Council. “I definitely think he’s got a great shot. He’s doing very well polling,” claims the penis’s chief of staff. Currently the penis, […]

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Police unions lobby for ability to indiscriminately fire on family pets

To Serve and Protect and Kill When We Feel Like It! The American police officer is many things: overly assertive, unreasonably confident, armed with a lethal weapon, and far too often, a blood-thirsty sociopath. No time is this more apparent than when police officers make the conscious decision to murder people’s family pets. Generally this […]

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Kate Middleton baby factory ready to unveil the Heir 1!

English people the world over wait with bated to get a glimpse of the latest in monarchical luxury: The Duchess of Cambridge signature series Heir 1 human infant! Paddling the Royal birth canal! The newly designed, scientifically engineered heir to the British crown jewels is just entering its final stages of production. Any hour now, […]

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David Cameron is afraid of his own penis

As they say in Senegal, “ah-sali un ko’koasalisi umk kokoa vas,” or “today is a beautiful day for shit rain.” This is of course a reference to the fact that water pollution causes the clouds to rain turd in that country. Senegal was kind enough to send some of their clouds over to this country […]

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Der Spiegel has nothing to do with Cowboy Bebop protagonist

Spike ist nicht die Frage hier! Bad news, space cowboy: Germany’s leading news publication Der Spiegel is a paper covering current events, politics, societal issues and cultural trends. None of those things relate in any way to Spike Spiegel, the coolest character in the history of Japanese animation. The news certainly is shocking to anyone […]

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Michele Bachmann determined to spank Obama’s ass

Remember Michele Bachmann? We don’t. Okay that’s not entirely true: we remember that she sort of ran for president, that she might’ve been a witch, that she hates touching her vagina privately, and that her husband is definitely, 100% certified not gay. That husband of hers hasn’t seen a cock besides his own since grade […]

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Hubble Telescope discovers Fabergé egg planet!

Finally, a good use for that thing! The Hubble Telescope has found the fabled bejeweled planet Arpaethia, better known as the Fabergé egg of the galaxy. Arpaethia called this due to it’s shimmering diamond surface, stained glass raindrops, and the fact that it is owned by the Duchess of Comoros. Though the planet was officially […]

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