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Bennet Vindushali
Stories written by Bennet
If you're reading this, I'm probably dancing in an American flag thong. Or, I'm reporting vital information in an American flag thong. - Author's Full Bio
Anthony Weiner’s penis to run for City council

With all the expose it’s been getting and it’s owner’s poll numbers dwindling, disgraced numbskull politician Anthony Weiner’s penis has announced its intentions to seek a position on the New York City Council. “I definitely think he’s got a great shot. He’s doing very well polling,” claims the penis’s chief of staff. Currently the penis, […]

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Police unions lobby for ability to indiscriminately fire on family pets

To Serve and Protect and Kill When We Feel Like It! The American police officer is many things: overly assertive, unreasonably confident, armed with a lethal weapon, and far too often, a blood-thirsty sociopath. No time is this more apparent than when police officers make the conscious decision to murder people’s family pets. Generally this […]

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Kate Middleton baby factory ready to unveil the Heir 1!

English people the world over wait with bated to get a glimpse of the latest in monarchical luxury: The Duchess of Cambridge signature series Heir 1 human infant! Paddling the Royal birth canal! The newly designed, scientifically engineered heir to the British crown jewels is just entering its final stages of production. Any hour now, […]

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David Cameron is afraid of his own penis

As they say in Senegal, “ah-sali un ko’koasalisi umk kokoa vas,” or “today is a beautiful day for shit rain.” This is of course a reference to the fact that water pollution causes the clouds to rain turd in that country. Senegal was kind enough to send some of their clouds over to this country […]

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Der Spiegel has nothing to do with Cowboy Bebop protagonist

Spike ist nicht die Frage hier! Bad news, space cowboy: Germany’s leading news publication Der Spiegel is a paper covering current events, politics, societal issues and cultural trends. None of those things relate in any way to Spike Spiegel, the coolest character in the history of Japanese animation. The news certainly is shocking to anyone […]

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Michele Bachmann determined to spank Obama’s ass

Remember Michele Bachmann? We don’t. Okay that’s not entirely true: we remember that she sort of ran for president, that she might’ve been a witch, that she hates touching her vagina privately, and that her husband is definitely, 100% certified not gay. That husband of hers hasn’t seen a cock besides his own since grade […]

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Hubble Telescope discovers Fabergé egg planet!

Finally, a good use for that thing! The Hubble Telescope has found the fabled bejeweled planet Arpaethia, better known as the Fabergé egg of the galaxy. Arpaethia called this due to it’s shimmering diamond surface, stained glass raindrops, and the fact that it is owned by the Duchess of Comoros. Though the planet was officially […]

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George Osbourne: All Politics to be Axed in Money Saving Exercise!

  Tomorrow Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne will announce a radical new way to save money and the health service in one fell swoop. From tomorrow onwards, all government policies and politics will be banned. Politicians will simply be required to go to the House of Commons every day and point out how crap […]

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Royal Mail privatization will not affect snake deliveries

Vince Cable, a man whose name is real and was not pulled from a Young Adult fiction novel, is also the business secretary of the United Kingdom. As such, he is the man in charge of making sure the Royal Mail delivers live, healthy snakes to over 29 million homes across the country. With the […]

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Listen to The Go! Team and swing your dick around

I’m going to listen to one of the finest recordings of all time. Not only is it one of the finest records of all time, it’s also possibly the finest debut record of all time, one of the greatest low budget recordings of all time, a triumph for England, and it drove the snakes out […]

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