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Bennet Vindushali
Stories written by Bennet
If you're reading this, I'm probably dancing in an American flag thong. Or, I'm reporting vital information in an American flag thong. - Author's Full Bio
John Paul II to be made a New Orleans Saint

John Paul II, former guy from Poland who would later become the Pope, has now been made an official Saint. Granting his sainthood, team owner Tom Benson chanted a few phrases in Greek, then said: “It is a great honor to welcome such an awesome dude and Pope, John Paul the Sequel, into the New […]

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Unfilmed Sex might still be Porn

Experts confirm today that sex taking place in ordinary households might be pornographic, even if it is not filmed. It is widely supected that men dressed as plumbers are banging wives in kitchens, improbable pickups in bars lead to ‘double parking’ on the pavement outside and japanese women may be pleasuring themselves with random electrical […]

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Today in Egypt, less is Morsi!

Egyptians and the rest of the world are going to be seeing a significant reduction in the amount of Mohammad Morsi they’re going to be seeing as the country’s president. Yes, Mr. Morsi has been put on house arrest by the Egyptian military. It’s especially unfortunate, as the now former president lives in a chicken […]

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Aaron Hernandez hires Shyne to do murder bid

Besides being a relatively decent football player, Aaron Hernandez is apparently gangsta as shit. This is evidenced by the fact that he’s now possibly killed two people, and then a third to cover up for the first two. He also killed a turkey once just to do it. Wasn’t even planning on eating it. Reports […]

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CIA readies super-secret piñata drop over Boston!

The Massachusetts town of Quincy (part of metropolitan Boston) has been frightened and confused by a mystery aircraft which has been sighted in the night sky on numerous occasions over the last few weeks. Babies have been crying, old women have been crying, gas station workers have been crying while selling lotto tickets. It’s like […]

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Superman fucking sucks as a blogger

As you may very well know if you’re a balding man in the IT Department of a mid-sized corporation which produces spatulas, Superman quit his job last year. His primary occupation: informing the public as to how bad shit is at any given time. Indeed, Clark Kent resigned from his position as a print reporter […]

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Haddock Editorial: Vegan Zombies Face a Moral Dilemma

What becomes of the broken hearted? That is the title of the sequel to a very fine film, but unfortunately isn’t the topic of this article. What becomes of vegans during the dreaded zombie apocalypse? Right, that’s better. And what better time to examine that subject than now, considering that the zombie apocalypse happened last […]

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Cyprus suddenly becomes important

STOP THE MOTHERFUCKING PRESSES! Cyprus! That little spec of a landmass somewhere is suddenly controlling the fate of the Euro-Zone! Holy shit! The Euro-Zone is like a weird death-match sports arena right? This shit is insanity right now! No, It’s Something to do with the Euro. Currency. Well damn, that’s certainly something as well, and […]

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“Throw Celebrities to the Sharks!” to premiere on ABC

Times are tough for network television; advertising dollars are dwindling, viewership is at an all-time low, and cyborgs have taken over the late-night chat show syndicate. Such setbacks have made belts tight at all of the major networks. But ABC has the greatest solution by far! Throw Celebrities to the Sharks! “Essentially, we’ve combined ‘Shark […]

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