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Bennet Vindushali
Stories written by Bennet
If you're reading this, I'm probably dancing in an American flag thong. Or, I'm reporting vital information in an American flag thong. - Author's Full Bio
George Osbourne: All Politics to be Axed in Money Saving Exercise!

  Tomorrow Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne will announce a radical new way to save money and the health service in one fell swoop. From tomorrow onwards, all government policies and politics will be banned. Politicians will simply be required to go to the House of Commons every day and point out how crap […]

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Royal Mail privatization will not affect snake deliveries

Vince Cable, a man whose name is real and was not pulled from a Young Adult fiction novel, is also the business secretary of the United Kingdom. As such, he is the man in charge of making sure the Royal Mail delivers live, healthy snakes to over 29 million homes across the country. With the […]

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Listen to The Go! Team and swing your dick around

I’m going to listen to one of the finest recordings of all time. Not only is it one of the finest records of all time, it’s also possibly the finest debut record of all time, one of the greatest low budget recordings of all time, a triumph for England, and it drove the snakes out […]

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John Paul II to be made a New Orleans Saint

John Paul II, former guy from Poland who would later become the Pope, has now been made an official Saint. Granting his sainthood, team owner Tom Benson chanted a few phrases in Greek, then said: “It is a great honor to welcome such an awesome dude and Pope, John Paul the Sequel, into the New […]

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Unfilmed Sex might still be Porn

Just because it’s not filmed, doesn’t mean it’s not Porn! Experts confirm today that sex taking place in ordinary households might be pornographic, even if it is not filmed. It is widely supected that men dressed as plumbers are banging wives in kitchens, improbable pickups in bars lead to ‘double parking’ on the pavement outside […]

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Today in Egypt, less is Morsi!

Egyptians and the rest of the world are going to be seeing a significant reduction in the amount of Mohammad Morsi they’re going to be seeing as the country’s president. Yes, Mr. Morsi has been put on house arrest by the Egyptian military. It’s especially unfortunate, as the now former president lives in a chicken […]

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Aaron Hernandez hires Shyne to do murder bid

Besides being a relatively decent football player, Aaron Hernandez is apparently gangsta as shit. This is evidenced by the fact that he’s now possibly killed two people, and then a third to cover up for the first two. He also killed a turkey once just to do it. Wasn’t even planning on eating it. Reports […]

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CIA readies super-secret piñata drop over Boston!

The Massachusetts town of Quincy (part of metropolitan Boston) has been frightened and confused by a mystery aircraft which has been sighted in the night sky on numerous occasions over the last few weeks. Babies have been crying, old women have been crying, gas station workers have been crying while selling lotto tickets. It’s like […]

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Superman fucking sucks as a blogger

As you may very well know if you’re a balding man in the IT Department of a mid-sized corporation which produces spatulas, Superman quit his job last year. His primary occupation: informing the public as to how bad shit is at any given time. Indeed, Clark Kent resigned from his position as a print reporter […]

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Haddock Editorial: Vegan Zombies Face a Moral Dilemma

What becomes of the broken hearted? That is the title of the sequel to a very fine film, but unfortunately isn’t the topic of this article. What becomes of vegans during the dreaded zombie apocalypse? Right, that’s better. And what better time to examine that subject than now, considering that the zombie apocalypse happened last […]

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