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Bernard Floater
Stories written by Bernard Floater
Keep it brief...my prostate is weeping! - Author Bio
Bernie Sanders: “Guacamole is a basic human right”

Bernie Sanders: “Guacamole is a basic human right”

Guac the Vote! Senator Benie Sanders has vowed that if elected president, he will push for comprehensive guacamole reform within the Mexican food service industry. “It is unacceptable that the wealthiest one percent of people in this country have access to ninety-nine percent of the nations avocado-based chip dip,” Sanders remarked on Monday. “Every able-bodied […]

Businessman shoots himself to avoid smalltalk with the office cleaner!

Smalltalk costs lives In a desperate attempt to avoid smalltalk with the office cleaner a man in Buffalo Texas shot himself in the face with a magnum .44 calibre pistol yesterday evening. Bob Krantz 51, financial director, was pronounced dead at the scene on account of the fact that most of his head was missing. […]

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Kermit the Frog and the denial of Rainbow Science

On Tuesday, the Institute for Advanced Wetness Studies published a report detailing what some academics are calling “the most important scientific discovery of last Tuesday.” Finally, after thousands of years of mysticism, faith, and superstition, mankind now knows how Rainbows work. According to the study: “Rainbows are a natural phenomena resulting from the refraction and […]

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Ten Reasons that Luke Skywalker is Better than Han Solo!

Ten Reasons that Luke is Better than Han! 1. He is a more plausible Gay icon! 2. He is a Jedi 3. His dad rocks 4. He kissed his own sister 5. He can bullseye a wop rat in his T-16    6. He looks good in brown    7. He can do this…    8. […]

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Oreo to buy every single Round Black object on the planet!

Taking the Biscuit! Do you own anything black and round that might in some tenuous way resemble an Oreo biscuit? Then you might be sitting on a fortune. Oreo are buying every single round, black object on the planet so that they can prevent anyone else who sells black round things using them in their commercials. […]

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Cat charged with Human Violence after beating Owner

A calico cat has been taken into police custody and charged with crimes against humanity. Or specifically crimes against one human, who happens to be its owner. The cat is suspected of having gotten drunk on Cisco Strawberry. After several failed attempts at courting other cats of the neighborhood into sexual relations, the animal became […]

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Mass Cake-Baking demonstrations in Ferguson following Grand Jury ruling

LATE BREAKING – A Grand Jury has ruled that the police officer who shot unarmed teenager Mike Brown in Ferguson, Missouri will not face any criminal charges. Yet another spectacular victory for the population’s majority that believe law enforcement officers are not subject to the laws which they enforce. In a unified show of peaceful […]

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Political Correctness responsible for UKIP

Political Correctness has admitted today (stood outside his London home) that he is ultimately responsible for the rise of UKIP. UKIP (a collective celebrating the stuff that drunk people say but regret the next day) was born the night after a party thrown for Mr Correctness in a Chelsea Loft during the early 1990’s. ‘The […]

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Harrison Ford’s injury on Star Wars set prompts stricter Spacecraft regulations

Yesterday actor Harrison Ford was injured on the set of Star Wars Episode VII. The injury was due to a malfunctioning door hatch on his ship the Millennium Falcon, and also because he is quite old. Ford was airlifted to an area hospital, even though that hospital was within walking distance. Most medical experts believe […]

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Joe Biden denies Dolphin support to Ukraine

The US Navy has been deployed to the Black Sea in order to aid Ukraine against Russian attack. However, the US Government will not lend use of it’s Elite Dolphin Attack Force, as they are the best friends of Vice President Joe Biden. “The Vice President has made it clear that our assistance to the […]

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