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Bernard Floater
Stories written by Bernard Floater
Keep it brief...my prostate is weeping! - Author Bio
Are rising Mortgage Rates destroying your Pancreas?

As most home buyers know, the stress of mortgages often drive people to drink, join street gangs, and practice the occult. But are mortgages also turning your pancreas into a beachball? Probably not, but don’t tell that to the newly released reports that say they are! Pancreas in Peril!! “The pancreas is a dual-functioning gland, […]

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Hyper-developed newborn sues mother over the condition of her uterus

“If it were an option, I would’ve opted for a 6-month contract.” This is part of the testimony of Alice Portnoy, a freakishly advanced newly born toddler in Allentown, Pennsylvania who is suing her mother due to what court documents refer to as “unacceptable in utero maintenance and upkeep.” “The place was just filthy,” claims […]

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History is Destroying the World – it must be Stopped!

History is destroying the world A recent study has shown that there is now more history in the world than ever before. Whilst the levels of pre-history have remained constant its younger cousin continues to grow exponentially. Up until recently history was thought to be fairly harmless to the environment…but things are changing. One of […]

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UK social services steal children to engineer into TED Talks presenters

A pregnant Italian lady recently had her baby extracted from her womb by the British government. For free! Become sedated pregnant, wake up ready for beach season. What a lucky lass she is. The official report by social service agents is that the child was removed from it’s mother because the state raises children better […]

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Anger as a Catholic Church and choir is randomly fired into Space!

As you read this article, Planet Earth is being orbited by St.Joseph’s Catholic Church (Formerly of Hartlepool). How did it get there? The police don’t know the answer to that question but they are conducting door to door enquiries and have asked anyone who saw anything suspicious, no matter how trivial to come forward. They […]

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Polar Bears encounter racism at South Pole

A group of polar bears who set-up a village in Antarctica have been subjected to vicious racism and torment at the hands of right wing penguins! The bears, who headed south in search of a new life after their home melted, are said to be honest and hard working but their lives have been made […]

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Supermodels snatched by Eagles

Supermodels eaten by raptors Preparations for the Milano Moda Donna fashion show have been brought to a standstill after a pair of golden eagles snatched fourteen supermodels and fed them to their chicks. Supermodels are very expensive and irritating but they are also extremely thin and light making it easy for birds of prey to […]

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Fred Phelps said to be picketing at the Gates of Heaven

Fred Phelps, the funeral-picketing visionary of anti-homosexual bigotry in America, has passed into the afterlife. Sadly for him, there seem to be a ton of gay people there. As such, Phelps has set himself up on a little tuft of clouds besides Heaven’s gates where he is screaming at people on the entrance queue and […]

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Everything is lovely in Venezuela

Now with New Tennis Courts! The country of Venezuela is as tranquil as a Buddhist temple at the moment. The people happily eat candy in the streets, dogs smile and no students are shot in the head. Not a single one, nor two, not even three dead students shot in the head by military police! […]

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Sochi will be ready for Winter Olympics sometime in mid-April

A great fracas has exploded across the internet regarding Sochi’s Olympic readiness. The bourgeois western media seems to have taken exception to the fact that, though the games have already begun, much of the area still resembles a town on the tail-end of a tornado recovery. Oh, your hotel room doesn’t have running water? A […]

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