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Bernard Floater
Stories written by Bernard Floater
Keep it brief...my prostate is weeping! - Author Bio
Russian billionaire eats a Ferrari

Get out of my dreams, get onto my plate! Russian billionaire Mikhail Khodorkovsky ate a 2013 Ferrari 458 Italia for dinner this evening. The very rich fucker, who was recently released from false imprisonment at the compassionate mercy of Vladimir Putin, tucked into roughly 1/12th of the vehicle. The rest is in the fridge and […]

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Meet the Orca that is standing by SeaWorld amidst Blackfish controversy

Everywhere you turn, people are attacking the SeaWorld theme parks for being animal-hating overlords in the cruel game of dolphin trafficking. The film Blackfish has exposed SeaWorld’s passionate hatred for the ocean and everything residing in it. But does everyone share this point of view? A killer whale called Leti begs to differ! “I think […]

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STDs and tobacco use are leading causes of Death for fast-living Honeybees

It’s an unspoken rule of the insect world: bees love to party. They love swarming about, getting shitfaced, spewing honey and dropping their pants in public for on-lookers with smart phones. The truest of cheeky animal bastards, bees are. Unfortunately, all that fast and hard living in the Honeybee community has yielded terrible results. STDs. […]

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Volcano erupts Jelly Beans!

Finally Some Good News! The Mexican volcano Popocatepetl (or “Popo”) has been situated in silence at Mexico City’s border for years. Perhaps sensing the phenomenal violence and poverty the nation continues to face, Popo decided to give back to the community by erupting in jelly beans! Truly it was a heavenly shower of chewy jelly […]

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Scientists Successfully Clown a Sheep!

They said it wasn’t possible to turn a farm animal into a circus entertainer but they were wrong. The dissenters will be forced to eat their words, just like the guy who said that Delorean had poor build quality and that democracy wouldn’t work in Afghanistan! Bozo the sheep is the first of a new generation […]

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Chris Christie created Job title for the Dude who gets his Video Games!

The deep probings of New Jersey governor Chris Christie’s bridge burning scandal have uncovered several shocking revelations. Among them is that Christie eats while showering, but is that really a revelation? More shocking might be that he made up a taxpayer-funded job at the Port Authority for the guy who fetches his Playstation 4 games. […]

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‘Full House’ star says she’s ‘submissive’ to husband during ‘Greco-Roman wrestling’

Half-Nelson, Full Submission! Candace Cameron Bure has grown up since her time starring on the hit American sitcom Full House. Did you know that she writes books now? Did you know she married a Russian hockey player? Did you know that they wrestle for family dominance and apparently she lets him win? Here is an […]

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There is no need for Angry Birds Roleplaying!

Look, I get it intellectually: Rule 34, if it exists there’s porn of it, all that ottershit. But I am willing to put my foot down for the betterment of all living beings on this planet to make one thing very clear: Angry Birds Roleplay/Cosplay/Sexual Horseplay is simply not needed by anyone! Observe these two […]

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US Army Major relieved of position due to embarrassing Fist-bump

US Major General Michael Carey went to Russia, got hammered, bothered everyone, and attempted to stuff his balls into an oboe. For all intents and purposes, a stellar representation of America’s foreign policy. Carey’s dignified position would soon be jeopardized however, due to a faux pas that, under certain interpretations of the Constitution, is tantamount […]

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Flapparazzi – Press to employ flat people

Several large news organisations have been recruiting flat people to use as wallpaper in the houses of celebrities. Flat people, who are comparatively rare, make excellent journalists apparently. Successful applicants will be glued to the walls of houses in London, New York and Venice Beach by men posing as pool cleaners and dog manicurists. They […]

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