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Dr Johannesburg Swivel
Stories written by Dr Johannesburg Swivel
I'd very much like to stick my fingers inside you. - Author Bio
Feminist’s Vagina shocks: “Penises deserve the gas chamber!”

Feminist’s Vagina shocks: “Penises deserve the gas chamber!”

A radical feminist’s vagina has raised eyebrows over a series of tweets it sent out last Friday voicing its somewhat extreme feelings towards the sex organs of men. Betty, the vagina of feminist blogger Anna Schmundilech, went on a 38-tweet tirade which spanned many subjects; most notably, a passage about penises being “violent sexual anarchists” […]

FAA: Overweight pilots will require two cockpits

We’ve all heard the stories in the past regarding overweight airline passengers being required to purchase two seats when flying commercially. The most notorious instance of this being the obese man who was forced to saw himself in half when his two seats were not side-by-side. Oddly enough, he ended up storing his waist-down in […]

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Captured ISIS terrorists forced to learn Klingon

Trek is the new Waterboarding ISIS terrorists deserve the best, and when it comes to mental torture, few things beat 9 hours of Klingon lessons every day! Anyone from the organisation who is captured, or who tried to join the ‘Fuckit let’s just start a war because our lives are really dull’ organisation and didn’t […]

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Peruvian sea-lion deaths thought to be revenge attack by buggered penguins!

A Penguin the ass! Peruvian authorities looking into the mass death of 500 sea lions are investigating a bizarre theory that they were murdered by angry penguins in retaliation for years of sexual harassment. Recent footage of a seal ass-fucking a penguin (Watch a seal fucking a penguin here!) has caused outrage across the globe, especially to […]

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Ann Summers ISIS lingerie a big hit in Iraq

Some people think that military force is the only way to stop terrorism. Others believe that, with enough frilly lace, you can do it with bras and panties. With the release of Ann Summers’ new line of ISIS lingerie, the company hoped it’s sexy-yet-mature designs would usher in an end to the tragic conflicts plaguing […]

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Bryan Singer’s parties are now “very, very boring”

Bryan Singer has been accused of some very serious boy-touching, stemming from incidents at his infamous Hollywood pool parties. Sex, drugs and Depeche Mode were the order of the day. A marketing executive once swung from a chandelier through a window and into the pool carrying two young men on his back. Today, not so […]

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Curry worries due to Lamb Scam!

Much like the beef which sneaked in meat from the namesake animals with horseshoed feet, now worries abound for the curries in town and the drab kebabs we’re guzzling down. For a devious scam, this time with lamb, shows that the meat is replete with alternate meats which are cheap. Vile Deceit from the Shop-Owning […]

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Drinking Athlete’s Piss causes weight loss!

‘Subjects forced to drink a glass of athlete’s piss before each meal demonstrated a significant drop in calorific intake as a result and therefore lost weight.’ Said Dr David Wilkes of the Utah dietary research unit at a press conference yesterday. It has long been surmised that athlete’s urine keeps working once they have finished […]

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Top Scientist: ‘Death Cures all Diseases!’

Yes, as scientists have long suspected death is the universal cure for all ailments! No matter how exotic your condition, death will put an end to it! Even cancer cannot survive death…it has needs too! Doctors and researchers all over the world are very excited about this idea, but admit that there are certain barriers […]

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Katy Perry summons Cthulhu at Grammy Awards

Squidface Killah! Katy Perry’s performance of her song “Dark Horse” at last night’s Grammy Awards inadvertently summoned the otherworldly spectre of doom known as Cthulhu. The singer had been trying to get Satan himself, but could not secure his appearance due to union rules. Cthulhu entered through the venue’s ceiling, and cried out a sound […]

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