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Candy Crush is ‘reasonable’ grounds for Divorce!

You can divorce your wife for playing Candy Crush on her phone! That was the ruling at a landmark hearing today in London. Brian Paisley has been given leave to divorce his wife on the grounds that the popular mobile phone game has come between them and made the relationship untenable. ‘We used to argue, […]

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Malaria vaccine to contain Bon Jovi lyrics

Bon Jovi lyrics can explode the brains of mosquitoes, this is old news but did you know they can also kill viruses? Scientists found that although the Kiss lyric ‘If life is a stereo turn up to ten’ caused vomiting and nausea in white mice and various invertebrates and this line from Heart: ‘I told […]

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Road Bridge built from Spider Silk collapses under the weight of Flies

Plans to build a road bridge from spider silk ran into problems today after the structure collapsed under the weight of ten billion flying insects. Using the theory that spider silk is one of the strongest substances on Earth the team attempted to build a bridge across the River Seven in Somerset using the material. […]

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Coca Cola to sue Polar Bear who claims Santa ‘touched’ him as a cub!

Coca Cola, who rely upon Santa to sell their drink at a time of year when nobody wants a cold drink, are assembling a crack legal team to refute claims that Santa abused pre-consensual polar bears in the 1970’s! The North pole has been rocked by the story which broke last night when the bear […]

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Beware: Christmas Sperm has Twice the Calories!

Supermodels and cougar moms are being warned to avoid oral sex this Christmas as sperm can be up to twice as calorific during the festive period due to the intake of fatty foods and alcohol! “Men who gorge themselves on mince pies, ham, bread sauce, gravy, turkey and beer have semen with the same number […]

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De-Classified Documents reveal the vital role of Clowns during World War II

Clowns helped bring down Hitler, and provided much needed jellybean support to occupied Poland. Clownfall! De-classified MOD documents released this week reveal a fascinating insight into the important and dangerous work carried out by clowns during the dark days of World War II. Although hampered by their outsized boots, ludicrously conspicuous clothing and constantly collapsing […]

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Movember is nearly over – It’s time for Vaginauary!

Twat Topiary Men across the globe have been sporting facial hair to make them look like school caretakers, failed rock stars and paedophiles for the last few weeks, all in the name of charity. Their wives hate them, people stare and snigger, a moustache is a social burden but we do it for testicles in […]

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Lance Armstrong Presents: Ampheta-Horse!

Accepting, for a moment, that Lance Armstrong has about as much chance of making a comeback into the sporting world as Rudolf Hess running a bagel stall in Central Park, he’s finally accepted that a career change may be in order. Using the slogan ‘If you can’t beat em, cheat em!’ he is working with […]

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Haddock HQ – Rebirth of Fish and the Haddock Mating Season!

Hello world! Are you well? You look fantastic, even with all the wars and biblical plagues going on. Anyway. Since 2010, we at Haddock News have prided ourselves on delivering only the very best in complete and utter bullshit. Over the years we’ve covered current events, interviewed and reviewed numerous musical acts, and have gotten […]

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“Austerity” tops German baby names list

Austerity (Sparmaßnahmen); the watchword of economic recovery according to Angela Merkel has topped the German baby name charts for the first time. Whilst it is moderately popular in the UK it has still been superceded by the far more popular “Whatever.” Unsurprisingly it isn’t too popular in Greece, Spain, Italy, Ireland or France. Their most popular names […]

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