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What a Relief! A Blow-Job Computer!

Pro-Marriage Lobby warn against Blow-Job Computer! Advocates of the sanctity of marriage have given the strongest indication yet that they may well resort to violence if plans to release a computer that can perform blow jobs go ahead. Nebraska based ‘Gobble Computers’ have developed a machine capable of simulating the act of mouth love, traditionally […]

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Doctor Who is sent back to the 1970’s to collar celebrity sex offenders!

Doctor who is going back to the 70’s to kick some celebrity paedo ass! Yep, the BBC’s own swash buckling pseudo insane time-traveller is going to put right some serious wrongs and try to make us all feel a little better having been duped into believing that sexual predators are entertaining. Using his sonic screwdriver […]

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StarWars VII to be filmed on Mars!

Due to a spat between JJ Abrahams and some other people whom he doesn’t like, the entire production, crew, actors, rubber things and canteen will be flown to Mars this January. Mars has much to offer those making space films because it is in space and that should save money (most of which will be […]

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Roy Hodgson to experiment with Crack!

England manger Roy Hodgson has been experimenting with his team, but  having failed dismally he’s on course to experiment with hard drugs. Having watched, with interest, the progress of Toronto Mayor Rob Ford Mr Hodgson is said to be impressed  by his tactics. Ford who, with the possible exception of Silvio Berlusconi, is the most […]

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Candy Crush is ‘reasonable’ grounds for Divorce!

You can divorce your wife for playing Candy Crush on her phone! That was the ruling at a landmark hearing today in London. Brian Paisley has been given leave to divorce his wife on the grounds that the popular mobile phone game has come between them and made the relationship untenable. ‘We used to argue, […]

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Malaria vaccine to contain Bon Jovi lyrics

Bon Jovi lyrics can explode the brains of mosquitoes, this is old news but did you know they can also kill viruses? Scientists found that although the Kiss lyric ‘If life is a stereo turn up to ten’ caused vomiting and nausea in white mice and various invertebrates and this line from Heart: ‘I told […]

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Road Bridge built from Spider Silk collapses under the weight of Flies

Plans to build a road bridge from spider silk ran into problems today after the structure collapsed under the weight of ten billion flying insects. Using the theory that spider silk is one of the strongest substances on Earth the team attempted to build a bridge across the River Seven in Somerset using the material. […]

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Coca Cola to sue Polar Bear who claims Santa ‘touched’ him as a cub!

Coca Cola, who rely upon Santa to sell their drink at a time of year when nobody wants a cold drink, are assembling a crack legal team to refute claims that Santa abused pre-consensual polar bears in the 1970’s! The North pole has been rocked by the story which broke last night when the bear […]

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Beware: Christmas Sperm has Twice the Calories!

Supermodels and cougar moms are being warned to avoid oral sex this Christmas as sperm can be up to twice as calorific during the festive period due to the intake of fatty foods and alcohol! “Men who gorge themselves on mince pies, ham, bread sauce, gravy, turkey and beer have semen with the same number […]

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De-Classified Documents reveal the vital role of Clowns during World War II

Clowns helped bring down Hitler, and provided much needed jellybean support to occupied Poland. Clownfall! De-classified MOD documents released this week reveal a fascinating insight into the important and dangerous work carried out by clowns during the dark days of World War II. Although hampered by their outsized boots, ludicrously conspicuous clothing and constantly collapsing […]

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