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Cole Deadand, a spokesman for the National Rifle Association, has defended the rigorous  use of firearms in American political debate. ‘To say that (guns) can have only a negative impact is unconstitutional and, frankly, smacks of Communism,’ he said.  Mr Deadand, 62, upheld the right of every US citizen, regardless of mental health issues, to […]

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Bearskin hats, bloody silly looking things really that serve no purpose except to make soldiers faint are to recieve a modern upgrade. Threats to London such as those posed by terrorists mean that the hats, which are pretty expensive, now need to have some military purpose. Enter Bryant & May who have developed a bearskin […]

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Prog Soldiers!

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A leaked government report has concluded that Modern music is now so bad, Simon cowell is  the new number 1 threat to world stability. He will be dealt with in due course…Oh yes…. But the human race has  become so dumbed down by the effluent that is X factor that intelligence levels have to be […]

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Alleged ageism at the BBC has taken a worrying turn this evening with a statement from BBC chiefs explaining that as far as they are concerned there were no other ages other than the present. The Ice Age, Stone Age and Iron Age are all known to have existed but not according to auntie Beeb. Not only that […]

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A pet living in Barnsley may have become the first clairvoyant fish  due to a bang on the head. Prize winning goldfish “Alfonso Spherical-Conquistador Covent Garden Princess Bathsheba III”  or “Alfie” for short, has, it is claimed by his owner, a memory so short that it is in fact able to see into the future. Blessed with the usual 15 seconds of memory […]

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Bungay Jumping

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The people of Bungay in Suffolk are today bracing themselves for the imminent onslaught of a large number of revellers over the weekend known collectively as ‘The Pogos’.  Known for their regular mass gatherings around the UK, members of this curious cult have been seen consuming alcohol and leaping around manically in fields, pubs, stately homes and, perhaps […]

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Police Issue Photo-Fit of Invisible Man

Suffolk police have issued the above image of the invisible man. They are keen to question him regarding an incident which took place at a women’s lido in Great Yarmouth last Wednesday. The man, believed to be in his forties, is said to have entered the ladies changing rooms at 3pm and proceeded to slap a […]

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Dear Aunty Haddock

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Dear Aunty Haddock, I keep dreaming that I am a Weetabix, and then wake up the following morning in the bath, wearing beige pyjamas, up to my neck in semi-skimmed milk. Is this normal? Dear Simon, Up to your neck in semi-skimmed milk is fine, just don’t let it go fully past your eyes! Hope […]

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Fury Cat VAT

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Fury Cat VAT

Nobody is more angry about the VAT increase than cats. They are literally hopping  mad about it, and nobody is sure why. Brian Wolftrousers of Sevenoaks University is Britain’s only registered cat translator. “They’re being a bit tight lipped about it,” he told the Haddock. “I think it’s because VAT rhymes with cat, or perhaps […]

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Aliens Exist – And they Taste Amazing!

Aliens have landed, and they ain’t half tasty! Reports from NASA indicate that alien lifeforms from outside our galaxy have landed on Earth and more are on the way disguised as popular foodstuffs. One of the first sightings was of a host of aliens – in the form of a Full English Breakfast – coming […]

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