B-Boy Battle Nearly Breaks out at Fast and Furious Congressional Hearing


Eric Holder circa 1984, when he lived in
New York and was white.

United States Attorney General Eric Holder has found himself Eric Holdering a powder-keg of hostility during the congressional probe into the magnificently botched “Fast and Furious” operation which led to the death of a US boarder patrol agent last year.

Early in the proceedings, Mr. Holder made the claim that he’d be “sticking to his guns” in not handing over classified documents to the committee like a responsible governing official. In reply to his comment, committee chair Darryl Issa remarked: “if you had been sticking to your guns all along, maybe one of them wouldn’t have killed one of our men.”

The hearing became especially heated mid-way through this morning’s discourse after Vermont representative Peter Welsh called Holder’s ability to command operations into question. Holder came back swinging, claiming that he’d been able to command teams since his college days as a breakdancer in New York. “Nobody can handle a funky groove like the Groove Fondler Crew!”

“Surely no one is calling your funkiness into question, sir” retorted Mr. Welsh. “But if you’re feeling froggy then leap, Holder. I will pop-and-lock on you as well as I out-service-the-public-sector you!” It would appear that representative Welsh is also a breakdancer; a fact perhaps unbeknownst to Mr. Holder prior to making his remarks.

A vote to move the room’s furniture and bring in the linoleum and ghetto blaster was put to an unsuccessful 17-23 vote. When asked about the exchange later in the day, Attorney General Holder was quoted as saying “Its a shame that a man’s ability to windmill out of an uprock into a hollow-back kickspin can be so openly and recklessly slandered as it was today. If I don’t go to jail for a long time like I should, I’ll definitely be waiting for Welsh’s crew in the park to settle this like a G. Because I boss like that, son.”

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