Scientists announced today that bacteria are aware that we cannot see them and this is why they are both badly behaved and ugly.
Larger animals know we are judging them and try not to behave too badly when we’re around but for bacteria and other single celled organisms it’s just another excuse to be really shit!
Bacteria are everywhere, they’re all over your genitals and your friend’s mother’s face and even up Pippa Middleton’s perfectly formed ass, and they don’t give a crap.
What’s more, they swear! Although its in a different language, their utterings are complete filth and their writhing gesticulations tell us that they’re laughing at us because it is so simple to make us vomit and crap in our pants in supermarkets.
Remember War of the Worlds? Remember Godzilla? Remember how pleased everyone was when they killed the giant baddie monsters? Well it’s exactly the same for Bacteria.
They look at us like Will Smith’s wife does at that big alien ship thing in Independence Day.
They make speeches and sing songs about yeast infections and Dysentery!
Bacteria think they will go to Valhalla if they kill a human.
It’s true…every word! And they have sex in car parks!