Balls in Hot Water

Shadow Chancellor Ed Balls is in hot water this morning – because he’s taking a bath at over sixty degrees Celsius. The former Labour leadership hopeful is then set to be given the hairdryer treatment by leader Ed Milliband – who is helping him to achieve a bouffant eighties style look. Afterwards the Brownite husband of fellow high flyer Yvette Cooper is set to be hauled across the coals by party bosses – in a Jackass style stunt based on the ancient Indian art of fire-walking before being given a roasting by his Conservative counterpart George Osbourne – of a succulent spit-turned pig from the chancellor’s own farm. Yesterday Mr Balls was also forced to deny claims he has been on the fiddle – assuring parliament it was in fact a lookalike seen entertaining passengers with the violin outside Liverpool Street tube station last week. Nonetheless, the Shadow Chancellor has been summoned to an emergency meeting at Labour HQ this evening where he is set to be blown out by deputy leader Harriet Harman – in that (the rest of this article has been omitted on legal advice).