Bathroom Encounters: Graham Elwood

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I don’t have to explain to you people why I was hanging out in the men’s room of an In-N-Out Burger in Van Nuys, California. I was there, no one was complaining, so that’s that.

As I stood in front of the mirror chipping away at the last of my fries and admiring my nose hair, a man emerged from one of the stalls. And wouldn’t ya know, it’s Graham Elwood.

Like the top notch journalism I am, I wiped the blood from my ear and whipped out my tape recorder.

Bennet Vindushali: Graham Elwood. Were you the bald one on Whose Line is it Anyway?

Graham Elwood: No.

grahamelwood2BV: Well, which one were you then?

GE: I wasn’t on the British one. On the American one, I was Drew Carey.

BV: What would is your favorite purple thing?

GE: The Joker’s outfit.

BV: Yes, I too am a big fan of the Insane Clown Posse.

Graham is checking his teeth in the mirror. I do the same to seem cool like him.

BV: So, Trans Siberian Orchestra. When the fuck are they gunna give it a rest already?

GE: Seems like they just need to let it go.

BV: They can’t let go of the Christmas, man. I would put them in a time capsule called “Brave New Yuletide.” …I might even bury it in this very bathroom…

Graham has stopped checking his teeth. They seem presentable.

BV: You co-host a podcast called Comedy Film Nerds. Are there really enough nerd characters in comedy films to sustain such a narrowly focused program?

GE: Good to know that you didn’t listen to the podcast before this interview.

BV: I don’t like science fiction. Let’s talk turkey here Elwood. As we enter 2014, do you feel that farming is still relevant, or is it like jazz music in the sense that a small group of dedicated people just won’t let go?

GE: Great question! Yeah who really needs to eat anyway. I’m sure there is a app that can feed us.

grahamelwood1BV: There’s an In-N-Out that has fed us both like no farmer ever could.

I smile. We’re bonding now.

BV: Are golf clubs racist?

GE: Yes, everything involving golf is racist.

BV: Seriously. Tiger Woods’ infidelity was such a setback to the civil rights movement.

GE: I wouldn’t go that far…

BV: Caddyshack is Hollywood’s Mein Kampf!!

GE: Chill the fuck out, man. This is a public restroom.

Graham is right. Another gentleman has now entered, and is trying desperately to get the stream flowing. He wants out.

BV: Alright, moving on…hmm…you know that hotel in Sweden that’s like, made out of ice?

GE: Never been but sounds like a super villain hideout.

grahamelwood3BV: With better bell service, and apparently now smoke detectors also. Speaking of which, I’ve got a half-smoked blunt in one of my hamburgers, I think…

I go rummaging through the bag sitting on the floor under the sink were I’d left it. The other guy flushes and leaves. It isn’t clear whether or not he actually peed.

BV: You once hosted television game shows. How many hours did you spend in make-up each morning to achieve that effect?

GE: Days.

BV: Impressive. Finish this sentence: “My favorite memory involving a snow leopard has to be…”

GE: When I faced one alone with my katana.

BV: A man who bests a snow leopard with a katana is a man who has mastered the art of besting a snow leopard with a katana.

We turn to face each other and bow.

BV: …are we friends now?

GE: NEVER!

Graham races out of the bathroom, slamming the door behind him.

Just what I need, another enemy with a fuckin’ katana. I took a seat and lit my hamburger blunt.

Graham Elwood is a American comedian and co-host of the Comedy Film Nerds podcast. His latest stand-up album “Palm Strike Dance Party” is available now. Visit his official site at GrahamElwood.com, and bother him on Twitter.

Bennet Vindushali

Bennet Vindushali

If you're reading this, I'm probably dancing in an American flag thong. Or, I'm reporting vital information in an American flag thong. - Author's Full Bio

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