“Battering the Roast Beef is No Reason for Me to Not Testify on Benghazi” Claims Petraeus

General David Petraeus, and a woman deemed hot enough to jeopardize the safety of the free world

General David Petraeus, and a woman deemed hot enough to jeopardize the safety of the free world

The political football game known as American politics called an audible earlier this week with the sudden resignation of CIA Director David Patraeus over an alleged extramarital affair. An affair so egregious that it’s pillow-talk alone may be considered a threat to national security.

As odd a fact as that may be, even odder still is the fact that this sudden federal personnel-shuffle comes only a few days after President Obama’s reelection, a very few days before Patraeus was scheduled to testify before a special committee on the terrorist attack on the US consulate in Benghazi, Libya, and also a slim number of days before Diwali, the most important Hindu festival of the year (which has nothing to do with the scandal at hand…or does it?!).

Perplexities abound in this high-level governmental pageant of fuckery. However the most surprising fact to us here at The Haddock is that, though he knowingly engaged in the affair which would lead to his ousting, General Petraeus seems to be willing to go to great lengths to side-step any direct mention of the affair’s sexual nature. The general’s remarkable skirting abilities came to light during a recent statement made to the German Equestrian Press Club, regarding his assertion that his testimony in the case of Benghazi is absolutely necessary regardless of his status as CIA director:

“…I am a humble enough man to admit that I saddled the hobbyhorse; I slicked the caber with omega-3, and I willingly fudge rippled the turkey giblets. It hurts my soul to think that I could be capable of such reckless tortoise bungling and hedge rowing. I bought the ticket to Rib-tickle Town, knowing the ramifications such ramificating would eventually yield. I cannot unlace the golf cleats or pretend that such a gross display of loaving the fishes is at all an acceptable standard of practice for a man in my position.

In spite of all this, I must reiterate the one assertion of mine which I believe bears the most affect upon the American people: battering the roast beef is no reason for me to not testify on Benghazi. My testimony, regardless of my standing within political sphere, is absolutely vital in better understanding what happened that fateful day in Libya. No amount of leaf-rustling, jolly-rogering, sloppy-bojangling or peanut-butter-jelly-timing can change this fact. I must take the stand for the good of my country; now that the election is over and the president has been reinstated, it is the exact right time for the truth to be known.”

More euphemistic tap-dancing by David Petraeus as it becomes available. Stay tuned to Haddock News for more of the mockery that is governance in the US, the UK, and all the world over!