My wife, I forget which one, used to hate me banging other girls, especially hard drinking ones.
She said it was degrading to let drunk people sleep with you because they wouldn’t do it sober…perhaps in this way she hoped to win back my heart.
I guess that’s why I can’t remember her name.
Alcohol can give you things usually reserved for attractive people, or rich impresarios.
If you want to have sex with someone who otherwise wouldn’t find you attractive, wait till they’re drunk and get out before they’re sober…simple.
But this article is about pretending you’re a drunk, that is to say, convincing the people who care about you that you have a disease which compels you to spend more time in the pub than you would otherwise choose to.
You have no choice in this, the drug is forcing you to do it, and while you work through your illness, they must give you support.
Despite my atheistic countenance, I was brought up as a Roman Catholic, something I was able to shed like a rattlesnake skin through years of careful instruction by my prostitute cousin Marcy and her entourage of lowlife girlfriends.
No I’m talking about guilt, Catholic Guilt!
Now guilt is a very destructive thing, although, if you want to manipulate people then it’s more useful than a Swiss Army Knife with a mini bar and a set of Mizuno Golf Clubs!
All my life I’ve felt guilty, justifiably so as I’m a fucked up individual with a many coloured collage of base and depraved apetites that I’m not exactly proud of.
I understand guilt, and now it’s my turn!
I’ve figured out a way to make someone feel guilty that I’m not at the pub!
As I grew up I ceased to understand the point of water and set about embalming myself internally with anything flammable.
During this time I learned out to be drunk, I was pretty good at it…
Despite my diligence and devotion to the cause I never graduated into the annals of proper alcoholism, a fact which probably accounts for my lack of fame and recognition.
All my heroes drank themselves into their graves and the world misses them like crazy, I’m still alive, completely unknown and I have a crazy missus…how did that happen?
She is crazy though, so I need to get down to the pub as often as I can…and that’s when I hit upon this plan.
I’ll pretend I’m caught up in the maelstrom of alcoholism and it is my muse!
She wanted to be my muse, but since she’s my eighth wife, what are the chances?
If you want to come across as a convincing alcoholic you need to follow these seven easy steps:
1) Drink Cider…it stinks, it makes your breath smell like a tramps…however, do it in secret, and when she sees you drinking have a small glass of vodka! A true wino always drinks vodka. Vodka is like booze without the foreplay!
2) Leave things in the oven and then go to sleep on the sofa! (do check the smoke alarms first). It’s an unmistakable sign of a booze hound.
3) Forget stuff, everything. lose your wallet, your pants, your teeth…and when she asks you about it, just shrug.
4) Shave, but shave badly! A man with a few grey hairs and a some well placed shaving cuts is not someone you can rely upon…it looks like you’re trying to hide something. That’s a personal favourite, it’s flawless!
5) Whistle nameless tunes…no need for an explanation here (unless you’re a builder).
6) Pee on the toilet seat…always a winner. To enhance this one, when you get home from work, walk straight past your spouse and roar a heavy piss straight into the deepest water in the toilet bowl. She’ll assume you’ve been in a bar all afternoon.
7) Pour some beer on your cornflakes in the morning and protest loudly when you get told off. You only need to do this once, the effect is everlasting.
I hope you’ve found this talk instructive. If you carry out these instructions to the letter then you will find your wife positively joyous that you’re at the pub. To add a little magic you could say that it’s her that drove you to it, but save that one for emergencies. I also like to leave a few empties in the cistern…that is what I call ‘the reinforcer!’
Good luck booze hounds!