Bernard Floater: Snubbed by Writing Competition?!

I am a news anchor with passions. Fiery, lava-like passions, that course through my veins and have me nearly bursting at the seams every second I’m away from a computer. Passions that drove my wife to drink, and eventually, to a cricket addiction that nearly left her with hand callouses. Callouses that could match my own.

I’m speaking of my obsession with hardcore bondage pornography. I’m not talking about your casual “she’s wearing furry handcuffs” bondage. I’m talking about women being hogtied. Nipple clamps. Octopuses. Cabbage-play. Things that involve hoses.

Before the internet, I hadn’t realized how deep of a rabbithole my own sexuality really was. After becoming aroused by a nude woman tied to a coffee table being slathered in salsa and used as a football party dipping station, I’ve come to realize that the rabbit hole is more like a bottomless pit. Good lord, even the idea of a bottomless pit is somehow arousing.

At any rate, due to my broad range of bizarre proclivities, there was no way for me not to know about No one does bondage like Kink. The skillfulness of their productions rival the best produced porns of L.A. And Miami. The intricacy of their knot-work rivals those twisty Irish things.

The site stole my heart, and replaced it with a ball-gag. For my mouth.

When I heard that the site was doing a screenwriting competition, I was overjoyed. Finally I could drop this ridiculous charade of normalcy! Finally, I could lose the tie and just whip my dick out all over characters, plot, and subtext! It could’ve been a dream come true, just like the one S Club 7 sang about. That song makes me cry now.

Simply put, my script “Virtue of the Fish Monger” did not win the contest.

Since then, I’ve been listening to that S Club 7 song on repeat, wondering why this has happened to me. My script had substance. It’s so much more than just bondage sex in the back of a fish shop; it’s got legitimate depth! FEELINGS! Having not read any of the other entries, I can say with near certainty that mine is the only one that contains a tap dance finale. I think I might start crying again…someone turn off that fucking radio!

As I am still in a state of denial over the whole thing, below is a link to the script in its entirety. I encourage everyone who reads this script to email and tell them that this is the script they should have chosen! Thank you, and God bless.


Posted by on January 24, 2013. Filed under Haddock Culture, Haddock Editorial. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. Responses are currently closed, but you can trackback from your own site.