Senator Benie Sanders has vowed that if elected president, he will push for comprehensive guacamole reform within the Mexican food service industry.
“It is unacceptable that the wealthiest one percent of people in this country have access to ninety-nine percent of the nations avocado-based chip dip,” Sanders remarked on Monday. “Every able-bodied person in this country who has the ability and desire to eat delicious guacamole – with not too much cilantro and a generous amount of lime juice, as is my preference – should be have an equal to do so. Just as it has been for decades with the queso, spinach, and creamy onion dips of Europe.”
Sanders has an unlikely ally in the fight for guac-equality: former Republican presidential candidate Ben Carson. “I believe Mr. Sanders is on the right path with this,” Carson claims. “Did you know that ancient Ephesians stored guacamole in Noah’s ark after the flood was over?”
The redistribution of guacamole would be somewhat problematic, however: the Senate Guacamole Oversight Committee already costs taxpayers $4.6 million a year, and it doesn’t even exist yet.