Beware: Christmas Sperm has Twice the Calories!

Mince pies make your semen fat

Mince pies make your semen fat!

Supermodels and cougar moms are being warned to avoid oral sex this Christmas as sperm can be up to twice as calorific during the festive period due to the intake of fatty foods and alcohol!

“Men who gorge themselves on mince pies, ham, bread sauce, gravy, turkey and beer have semen with the same number of calories as a mug of gravy! ” Said Dr Brian Wolf  a world expert on blowjob nutrition.

This shocking announcement follows research at the University of Sevenoaks where a team have been eating pies and blowing eachother off for months!

“Because this is science we had to do it thousands of times!” Said Mary McKay who lead the study. “We also had to take into account different diets and ethnic diversities so that’s a lot of cock!”

Thankfully the team had no shortage of volunteers.

“The Control group ate salad for a few months and, as well as losing weight, their semen came out like a bowl of consomme… it was so low in calories you’d get more by brushing your teeth!” Added Mrs McKay who is currently going through divorce proceedings.

The advice given out to would be starlets and those who really don’t want to pile on the pounds this Christmas is to carry on having sex but wait till January when everyone is skint and eating noodles before going down again.

“This ought to come as good news, after all January is so boring normally!” Laughed Dr Wolf as another willing student tucked into his willy!