Newly Released Documents Reveal Softer Side of Osama bin Laden

Osama Bin Laden

Doing What He Did Best: bin Laden, Spewing Hatred and Giving High-fives

This afternoon, the United States Central Intelligence Agency released a number of previously-classified documents seized during the take-down of terrorist mastermind Osama bin Laden. Among those documents were a number of bin Laden’s private journal entries, which he kept in a diary he called “Kitty.” After an in-depth analysis of these journal entries, Haddock News Senior Correspondent Thinker St. James compiled a collection of excerpts which offer a rare glimpse at the human side of the al-Qaida leader post-9/11. For the sake of accuracy, these excerpts are presented unedited, annotated only with their date of entry.

(October 1st, 2005) “Wife #1 is watching the television, wife #2 is washing her burka, and wife #3 is looking up anthrax information. I’m in the kitchen, making dinner for everyone. I don’t know if I even remember what it is like to feel important anymore.”

(June 22nd, 2006) “Waleed keeps using my conditioner, even after I asked him to stop. He uses half a bottle every time he washes his beard. You’re not the only one who wants a luxurious beard around here Waleed!”

(November 30th, 2008) “It pains me to admit my man-crush on filthy American swine-actor Taylor Lautner. His vacant eyes and large muscles…oh, I do daydream so. Seriously though, Rashad brought over a copy of Twilight. It was better than I thought it would be, but I still did not like it much.”

(January 10th, 2009) “Is there anyone who likes Brazil nuts? We buy all these mixed nuts, and no one ever eats the Brazil nuts. I’m left with broken bits of cashews, scattered like fallen warriors among the heaping mounds of uneaten Brazil nuts. Maybe it’s time to fuck with Brazil some.”

(April 7th, 2010) “I swear, if Tarik beats me at Words With Friends one more time, I’m going to smash this damn iPhone into a million pieces and feed them to him.”

(May 1st, 2011) “My feelings for Waleed and his luscious beard are becoming unbearable. I think I’m ready. I think I’m ready to leave all this. I can throw the wives away, or have them killed or whatever. I…I’ll tell him. Tomorrow, I will tell him.