Effective immediately: gay bars, pubs and clubs across the United Kingdom will close their doors to Church of England Bishops and indeed any clergymen who refuse to conduct gay marriages.
“I think this is completely unfair!” Said a bishop who chose to remain anonymous. “How am I supposed to let off steam now? It’s very stressful working for a backward thinking, Luddite organization like the Church! I’ll have to go to some dreary straight bar now.”
Apparently this sentiment has been echoed across the board and many vicars and Bishops are expecting to lead a protest march through Old Compton Street at the weekend.
The gay community are adamant though.
“No cock until we can get married in church lovey and that’s final!” said Pearl Brown who runs a gay club in Leicester. “You can’t come in here swinging your mitre around and expect us to jump when you’ve behaved so monstrously!”
Whether or not this ban will have an effect upon the outcome of the furious row over gay marriage which is being waged across the media this week remains to be seen.
The right wing Bishop of Bently on Stour, known for his extreme views is not giving an inch though:
“Ye can feck off. I like to go to a gay bar as much as the next man of the cloth, or even without one, but I’ll not bow down to these extreme measures! You think Gay marriage is annoying, you wait till we ban Gay Funerals, that’s next!”
This whole argument seems patently ridiculous; marriage usually means your sex-life is about to come to an abrupt end anyway so what does it matter what orientation you are?