Shelley the Tortoise is in training for her arduous 22 mile swim across the English Channel. She is attempting to raise money for the R.S.P.T.B.M.B.H. The Royal Society for the Prevention of Tortoises being Made into Bicycle Helmets, a fate which sadly befell his uncle.
Things aren’t going swimmingly though. During a practice session where Shelly attempted to swim across a 4 foot puddle which was only half an inch deep, she got into difficulties and ended up calling the coast guard. Another incident in The Solent involved a search and rescue team recovering her from the sea floor after she sank like a London brick.
The Haddock asked her trainer if she was feeling confident despite these setbacks. “How the F*ck should I know?” He said. “I’m a swimming coach not Dr F*cking Dolittle!”