Bowling Deemed a Legitimate Sport by Whoever Determines Such Things


"Don't marginalize me bro."

“Don’t marginalize me bro.”

The sport of bowling got an unanticipated (yet entirely appreciated) validation today by whatever organization it is that decides what is and is not actually a sport.

The intentionally anonymous and completely unnecessary organizational body which governs the legitimacy of group sporting determined today that, indeed, the act of launching a large resin-infused plastic orb towards a ten-fold arrangement of wooden pins can and shall be considered a recognizable form of challengeable competition.

This formal reevaluation came as a result of an inquiry launched by a Scottish man named Orval Soddenmeyer. He’s a nice enough guy, but for some reason really doesn’t like bowling. Like really, really doesn’t like it. In a weird way. One that would constitute a formal reevaluation of the sports inherent legitimacy.

Several certified sports evaluators secretly observed a number of bowling alleys throughout North America, Sweden, Germany, Japan, and Croatia, hoping to gain a better understanding of the activity in question.

“Where is the basket?” asked one of the evaluators. “What kind of sport could it possibly be if all you do is throw a rock at some unopened Russian nesting dolls?”

At one point, a heated debate ensued over the value of the 10-frame system: “how am my supposed to maximize my points when I only have 10 chances?!” argued one of the examiners. “I can’t just snap my fingers and knockdown all of the pins! I needed time for stratization!” This argument would eventually be referred to as the “Obama claim.”

Eventually, the petty differences amongst the inquiring collective were settled, leading to bowling’s rightful inclusion amongst the great sports of the world (such as lawn darts, table tennis and autopsy). The now-legitimized competition has inspired a groundswell in boring American states like Nebraska, where people are generally discouraged from moving their bodies in any way.