Bubonic Plague claims 37 during Black Friday Sale in Pittsburgh

"Of course we need an ice cream maker! We'll use it every day!!"

“Of course we need an ice cream maker! We’ll use it every day!!”

Though the Bubonic Plague has been ravaging parts of Madagascar, guess who doesn’t give a shit? You! Why? BECAUSE IT’S BLACK FRIDAY!!

BLACK MOTHERFUCKIN’ FRIDAY AAAHHHHH!!!

Buy a TV! Buy a toaster! Buy a six toasters! Buy some semblance of a life worth living! Buy VIP living quarters in the FEMA camps while a secret order of lizard people rape your future!

BUUUUYYYYY SHIIIIITTTT!!!!!

That sentiment was heard loud and clear by legions of stampeding American robo-people, flooding retail locations like tidal waves in hopes of saving $50 on a vibrating blender. Other people chastise this flock of bargain hunters, they get up at midnight and shop anyway, then Black Friday is over, and everyone goes back to arguing issues that are not bound seasonally.

This year however, some shoppers in Pittsburgh got more than they bargained for at 12:01am Friday morning. That’s because they got the Bubonic Plague, just like some god damn Madagascarians. Madagascites?

Madagascans. It’s Madagascans.

Anyway, 37 people died of the Bubonic Plague in a Pittsburgh mega mall, having probably contracted the virus via contaminated drinking water ingested on their 10-day camp-out in front of the building’s main entrance. Twelve of those people just wanted a god damn Igloo cooler. A fucking ice chest. And instead they got the Bubonic Plague. Are you proud of yourself America?

Other shoppers saw the people getting sick and collapsing, but it’s hard to care about a dying person you don’t know when you’re holding a 160-gig iPod brand new in the box. You just know it’s in pristine condition in there, unlike the sad saps dying in front of you due to an accursed ancient illness carried by rats in the Dark Ages.

Though 37 were lost, police assure Pittsburgh residents that the outbreak has been contained. However, they still plan on shooting as many unarmed citizens as possible for reasons unrelated to the outbreak. Or related to it. No one cares.

Bennet Vindushali

Bennet Vindushali

If you're reading this, I'm probably dancing in an American flag thong. Or, I'm reporting vital information in an American flag thong. - Author's Full Bio

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