Buzz off this Mortal Coil

Maurice Tweak, the man behind Bum-Vel, an organic hook-and-loop fastening system that uses the freeze-dried carcasses of bumble bees attached to strips of black velvet, has been found dead at his home in Kent. Tweak, 68, was discovered lying outside on the patio and is believed to have fallen to his death whilst conducting trials with a prototype variant of his invention called Bum-Gloves. He was surrounded by bee detritus and had suffered multiple fractures.

Tweak – who never married – first hit upon his idea as an adolescent, experimenting with live bees which he trapped in his pubic hair. His apicultural antics had long been a source
of amusement for neighbours in the village of Ratspiss-in-the-water where he lived all his adult life. Although never commercially successful, his unique Bum-Vel product held up a variety of fixtures and fittings in his home during this time, a remarkable testament to its practical durability. 

The Health and Safety Executive, however, for whom Tweak had scant regard, were quick to issue a dour warning. ‘Basically,’ a spokesman said, ‘this was an accident waiting to happen. There is an intrinsic weakness to the system in that these bumble bee fuselages simply can not withstand the sort of tolerances that Tweak demanded of them. Frankly, it’s a wonder these creatures can take off when they’re alive. Expecting them to stay up once they‘re dead  is nothing short of madness. I would ask anyone who has ever stuck anything up with Bum-Vel, for their own safety, to seriously consider taking it back down again.’