California Death Water found to rejuvenate wrinkled skin

“Look, I’m very sorry that the girl got murdered. And I’m sorry that they dumped her body in a water tank. I’m also sorry that it floated in that tank for two weeks before being found. But what I’m not sorry for, is the fact that my face hasn’t looked this good in thirty – easily thirty-five years.”

That is a quote from Eileen Hollis, an unsympathetic old shitbag of a woman who had the good fortune to bathe in the waters of the Cecil; a California hotel whose rooftop cistern was host to a young woman’s corpse for over a week’s time.

Though many patrons of the hotel were disheartened about drinking, brushing with and showering in the tainted water, others found it to be a life-changing experience (just like the old shitbag I mentioned earlier).

“It would seem that some element of the decomposing body excretes a chemical which, when diluted, serves to tighten the skin,” claims Dr. Frederico Goma, a doctor hired by the L’Oreal corporation to study the phenomenon.

“I’m not 100% sure however,” claims Goma. “As you know, science is mostly make believe and shouldn’t be taken all that seriously.” He then takes a shot of something out of a test tube. He’s not a well man.

A cosmetics industry insider has revealed a few details as to L’Oreal’s uses of the death water: “They’re chomping at the bit to go into production; they’ve already got a half-dozen corpses. They just need to find the water.”

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