Brian Paisley has been given leave to divorce his wife on the grounds that the popular mobile phone game has come between them and made the relationship untenable.
‘We used to argue, then I’d threaten to walk out, she’d cry and then we’d have sex!’ Said Brian 46 from Stockwell in south London. ‘You know, a proper relationship! But now the power has shifted…I shout at her and she doesn’t listen, she just plays that damn game…I feel emasculated!’
Brian’s lawyer told the Southwark crown court that he taught Brian the word ’emasculated’ but that he doesn’t know what it means.
He also told the court that Brian felt that his right to be an alcoholic, chauvinist pig had been compromised by his wife’s addiction to Candy Crush.
‘She, like many women, fell in love with him because he was a thoughtless bastard who did as he pleased, this turned her on.’ Said Jerome Pankhurst-Willoughby from legal firm Briant and Poulter LLP. ‘But now, he has lost his allure and even the most tactless, sexist and pig-headed behaviour doesn’t even get her moist!’
This test case is expected to open the floodgates to many men who feel that Candy Crush has rendered them ‘nice’ and therefore totally unattractive to their wife or other women.
‘It’s a form of cyber-contraception’ said Dr Tamar Michaels of Sevenoaks University. ‘Had Malthus been able to predict the invention of Candy Crush he would have doubtless cited it as one of he key environmental population controls.’
The makers of Candy Crush refused to comment on this story but it is understood that, from their point of view at least, it’s just a game and not an on-line condom.