Captain America Expands Clientele Amidst Financial Troubles

Captain America, Ireland, Switzerland, and the Federated States of Micronesia

Captain America, Ireland, Switzerland, and the Federated States of Micronesia

With the highly successful cultivation of his brand and image over the last fifty years, most in the general public would expect superhero Captain America to be at least somewhat financially secure – after all, his likeness has graced everything from comic books to 3-D films, band-aid brand adhesive bandages to top-shelf liquors and rare, exotic cheeses. Unfortunately, as superhuman as Captain America may be in combat, he is equally as dense in the world of finance (reenforcing his “average American behind the mask” persona).

Simply put: Captain America has joined Nicholas Cage and Wesley Snipes in the “I should be rich as hell, except I fucked up baaaaddd man…like baaa-aaa-aaddd bad…” club. As such, the captain has been forced to expand his scope of operations. In a prepared statement yesterday, he made it clear that while he would remain the defender of the red white and blue, he would now also be protecting “the green white and orange, red with a white cross in the center, and aqua with some stars on it.”

“Hence forth, I am legally obligated to refer to myself as Captain America, Ireland, Switzerland, and the Federated States of Micronesia,” he said with sadness in his voice. “Doesn’t quite have the same ring.”

Though the expansion of services will help the captain’s finances, the expenditures may prove foolish for the hiring countries. The Micronesian states were hoping he could stop tsunamis and were obviously misinformed of the captain’s superpowers. Ireland flat-out can’t afford it, but were hoping that the move would inspire President Obama to pick up the phone every once and a while. The only nation that will likely remain unaffected is the financially secure Switzerland, who seek the captain as an all-purpose babysitter for when the country is traveling.

When asked about the notion that he may be spreading his services thin, the captain acknowledged the issue outright. “Of course I’m overworking myself; I’m an American hoping to survive 2012. If you really think it’s a problem, holler at Hawkeye. He’s the asshole who screwed me out of the Avengers cereal and toaster strudel profits. I could really use those right now.”