Captain Crunch resigns over allegations of falsified military credentials

After hearing the news, this man resigned from being himself (which, in the world of internet meta humor, is an act of chivalry).

After hearing the news, this man resigned from being himself (which, in the world of internet meta humor, is an act of chivalry).

“It’s not all that surprisin’ really,” claims a small man in green who wished not to be identified. “Everyone knew he didn’t earn his stripes. All the pink hearts, yellow moons, orange stars, and green clovers in the world couldn’t have stopped his luck from running out sooner or later.”

Indeed, it wasn’t the greatest shock to many in the advertising community when National Association of Breakfast Mascots president Trix Rabbit announced the expulsion of Arthur Clayton “Cap’n” Crunch from the organization’s ranks early today.

The announcement was made a mere hour or so after it came to light that accusations had been waged against Mr. Crunch by the Quaker Oats corporation regarding the legitimacy of his military credentials (including his rank as a captain, the image upon which his entire public image is based).

Mr. Crunch abruptly stepped down from his position with Quaker, leaving his colorful suit, slide-whistle, and lifetime supply of crunchberry schnapps behind him.

The most recent fact-checking of public military records shows that Arthur C. Crunch had enlisted and served in the US Navy Reserves, but did not rise past the rank of Petty Officer 3rd Class. He never saw active military engagement, was never involved in any tactical missions, and most certainly did not contract chlamydia off the coast of Thailand while there on shore leave.*

When reached for comment, NABM Treasury Chairman Tony the Tiger speculated that Mr. Crunch may have foreseen his ouster on the horizon: “He’s GRRRRrradually been phasing himself out of involvement with our organization. And I’m pretty sure he put his house-boat on the market.”

Mr. Crunch is said to be “resting and reassessing his career path” at the present time. He’s also got a round of golf with David Petraeus and Kevin Clash scheduled for next Thursday.

* – He did contract chlamydia off the coast of Thailand, but it was during a trip to the region that was unrelated to his military career.