Concerns have been raised that cash strapped NHS hospitals have been forced to resort to outdated methods in order to cope with the latest round of stringent government cuts.
A damning new report suppressed by the Ministry of Health found that in one instance a five year old girl with a sore throat had a toad placed in her mouth for five seconds by a nurse who then proceeded to chant a pagan spell and dance around naked on a moonless night near some standing stones decked in mistletoe.
In another case it was reported how a forty-eight year old man suffering from mild depression was strapped to an examination table and beaten with bramble branches by a team of healthcare
assistants whilst a bare chested, wide eyed doctor brandished a crucifix in his face and read loudly from the Book of Revelations.
Perhaps most worrying of all a care home in North Wales on the verge of closure is understood to have wheeled some of its residents to the top of a nearby mountain and left them there in the hope that ‘the great spirit of the sky may transform them into eagles so they might soar with the souls of our forefathers.’
NHS Administrators, however, have been quick to defend their spending policies.
Speaking from his diamond encrusted office in Mayfair, Chief Executive Brian Peterson told The Haddock; ‘We remain convinced the changes to the healthcare budget continue to give value for money and the best possible service to the taxpayer. Why in one instance patients with undiagnosed conditions who were previously being burned at the stake as witches and warlocks were instead fed straight into the hospital heating system as a means of powering the life support machines. Fancy a cigar chap? Genuine Cuban you know, flown specially over this morning.’