Cat charged with Human Violence after beating Owner

gangstacatA calico cat has been taken into police custody and charged with crimes against humanity. Or specifically crimes against one human, who happens to be its owner.

The cat is suspected of having gotten drunk on Cisco Strawberry. After several failed attempts at courting other cats of the neighborhood into sexual relations, the animal became enraged and headed for its home where its owner was sleeping. What happened next is extremely graphic, and makes for great news stories.

Cat Scratch Fever!

The calico lunged at its sleeping owner in a blind fury. The sleeping human awoke in a panic, flailing it’s arms everywhere and jolting in all directions like a carnival ride. The drunk cat began kicking and yelling in shrill cat noises only decipherable by dolphins.

After a struggle that lasted several minutes, the innocent human finally fled the house and called for help. Other humans in police uniforms stormed the house and took the manic pet into custody.

At its initial hearing, the calico told the judge to go fuck himself, and sported a fresh ‘Thug Life’ tattoo across its abdomen. This story is very silly, and is hereby concluded. God help us in the future.

Bernard Floater Posted by on November 26, 2014. Filed under Haddock Animals, Haddock US. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.

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