The cat is suspected of having gotten drunk on Cisco Strawberry. After several failed attempts at courting other cats of the neighborhood into sexual relations, the animal became enraged and headed for its home where its owner was sleeping. What happened next is extremely graphic, and makes for great news stories.
The calico lunged at its sleeping owner in a blind fury. The sleeping human awoke in a panic, flailing it’s arms everywhere and jolting in all directions like a carnival ride. The drunk cat began kicking and yelling in shrill cat noises only decipherable by dolphins.
After a struggle that lasted several minutes, the innocent human finally fled the house and called for help. Other humans in police uniforms stormed the house and took the manic pet into custody.
At its initial hearing, the calico told the judge to go fuck himself, and sported a fresh ‘Thug Life’ tattoo across its abdomen. This story is very silly, and is hereby concluded. God help us in the future.